Mental Illness …..

This is probably going to be the most personal article I write and a long time coming and  I feel it’s time to let this go. I decided after I woke up from a dream I had last night that actually gave me a release and I woke up feeling like a lot of weight off my shoulders and heart. I have had this kind of dream before but this was different ..I yelled I cried I spoke my mind with out no guilt …this dream I guess was due. younger brother was born with Cerebral palsy she was confined to a wheelchair. sadly ….it was a good thing because what was to come at the age of 13 was such a bad card dealt to him even more he was diagnose with Bipolar such a hard illness he turned into someone that was nothing like my brother angry violent untrustworthy sly I could go on it was so unbearable my heart breaks for what he was dealt with but it effected all of us in this family watching my parents go through this was so painful I was 17 at the time and I hate to say I hated him..well not him personally but this illness. for yrs he ended in and out of hospitals and finally he was put on med’s and they started working or made him more tolerable but my parent just kept doting on him and he knew it he knew how to work it ..why did they guilt??? love?? I guess but it was not good finally a yr went by and things got better and my parents unfortunately they passed with in a year of one another due to illness my dad first then my mom… I still believe she passed from a broken heart. I took on the care of my brother he moved into our house we built furnished for his disabilities and he was doing great had been on meds for awhile working well I had my two kids all seemed well until one day I started to see the signs my husband too because he had been on this journey as well with me because we had been dating at the time…. so we watched we got a hold of his psychiatrist and he said call the an ambulance and explain to him do not drive him now just let you know my kids where always  safe at this time because he was in a separate part of our house and we didnt let them near at the time my daughter was 10 and my son just turning 5. My daughter understood my son new but the biggest give away was when he started to say I am more independent and he was learning we were teaching him but the part when he said I can take care of my pills I can get them and take them but then at the time he also said I have been on them for 10 yrs I doing great I dont think I need them hmmm okay we said ok who said that then the lies came oh my counselor im like okay well will see .I hoped he would let go of that thought and iwas getting busier with my kids so he hired a pca Personel care attendant in which we told him to watch him take his pills well did not know he convinced them he could handle that task …. things went down hill from there so the anger came back the monster came back and off in to the hospital he went with them finding not one trace of meds in him.I was so upset and felt betrayed I gave up a lot we all did by bringing him in our home for him to stop taking them…his promise was if he lived with us he would always stat on those pills …why I had asked he wanted to go back to that ….it was awful he never did come back to our house because of the safety of my kids and I was okay with that the anger I had was horrible … he had one job take those pills. so now my son is 15 daughter 20 and my guilt is gone I did everything I could do he is in a home now and he does not speak to me but Iknow it’s the illness and the dream I had well that I believe was my release to my parents because in that dream I yelled and let out all my anger out and said things I knew I should of said at the time to them. so people do not feel guilty if someone suffers from a mental illness and you can’t help them its such a hard thing and so much more needs to be done with education on this subject for the families. Sometimes you just have to let go…in my case and my husbands we had to for our family.

Advertisements

Author: windsofchange18

I am a stay at home mom of two. I love my morning coffee and my afternoon tea. I love spending time with my family. In my spare time I love to read and especially write. I hope what I share on here all of you will enjoy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s