Quietness…

  • It’s a quiet Sunday evening Country music will be playing softly. Shortly. The tree is down needed to be was shedding needles . I will miss the comforting glow of its lights while I sit here I can’t say I will miss the holidays. This past week has been horrible. My thoughts are quiet as the house is at the moment which is a good thing. It’s been an emotional roller coaster ride. I am ready to put this yr behind me and move on to the next. With a new look on life with all this changing, I have been through. And letting the guilt of what โ€is supposedly the right way to beโ€ be blown away in the wind. Yes, the winds of change. How fitting. I am going to post more positive posts but bear with me. Like I’ve mentioned before a lot of changes going on and more to come it needs to be. This year has taught me a lot about myself and I have realized I am stronger than I have ever thought. It hasn’t been an easy way to find this out but at least I have. It’s now time to just keep pushing crawling running anyway possible to move forward. I am determined to do so. I will not do a New Year’s resolution. I do not believe in them. As they never seem to work out . And sometimes I find the resolutions to be more materialistic then self-helping. son has finally been able to get his own car so I have mine back. It needs some work done on it but it’s all doable well I hope so. Have an estimate on the door after the accident so there will be a new door . And then an oil change Some brake work and good cleaning but it’s all mine. An ice storm coming through tonight seems to be closing this town down. Even though I just arrived home earlier and so many are out. Including my daughter and son. Just as I wrote this they just pulled in to the driveway. One less thing to worry about. Time will tell what this storm brings. As of other things in life. But I am learning to not focus on the negative. Easier said then done . Trying though. So bear with me .
  • The longest Day…

    It’s been a long week, a lot of mishaps. If I want to even call it that. Let’s see I finally ventured out Thurs afternot wanting to wait. On dealing with the icy driveway.to get to an appt and just get out as well. I do not know if that was a mistake to get out that day or the lack of staying in too long.on my way home on Thurs night, I happened to get hit by a truck that I believe was driving. A bit. too fast because I honestly looked as I left the parking lot and ventured out on to the busy road. It was clear until I heard a loud crunch and realized I had been hit. I am okay as the guy that collided with me is. Also, my driver’s side door has minor damage. I manage to get back out with my son on Friday for a long drive four hours later ๐Ÿ˜Š he estimated wrong how far it was the truck he wanted to look at. I was okay with it him, and I had a great day together. Today it’s Saturday evening, and it’s the longest day literally. Getting dark around 4 is horrible and my thoughts are reflecting back to this last week and it’s not good. I do not do well with sitting around. And that’s what it’s been today. I am hoping I can settle in a bit cozy in on the couch with some hot tea and my chrome book and watch a movie peacefully. And settle my thoughts. I am anxiously waiting for this holiday to go by and get some kind of normalcy back. If that. I just need a week to get back and do my appts and me time. and stop thinking about everything and just do and stop worrying if I did enough for this Christmas. Oh, what it’s become. My kids are adults, and I need to let go of the should of and have toโ€™s, which I am so good at. And wishing someone could get on board with switching it up a bit now. Sadly things do change. And I am good with it .its healthy to change.but my partner hmm not.. And it’s frustrating. Like I said long yr long day and too much thinking ng and not doing.

    Lazy Day..

    I should of, but I didn’t, I stayed in today. I didn’t sleep late but took my time enjoying my morning coffee. And breakfast while chatting with my daughter. And then we both went about with taking care of things around the house. Fun stuff. Not. Then my daughter left with a friend for a bit, and I turned on my music. Nice and loud. Such release music is to me. Yes, I sang at the top of my lungs (hahaha). No one was home. Why not๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ and yes it made me smile. I have this quote of the day that is sent to my email every morning. I loved what the quote was this morning. So fitting, I must admit. I’m going to keep smiling and try not to let my negative thoughts get the best of me. And this season. The big word is to try. I will keep moving forward and smile and laugh. And not let things get me down. I will not let negativity define me. Yes, there are always going to be those days, but they do not have to be every day. I use to laugh every day. It’s time to be that person again. Be the person I was meant to be. Strong happy, and not be afraid to be me. Will I get judgment most likely because not everyone in my world is this way? Yes, sadly, it’s true. I need not to let my surroundings affect me. Yes, there is time for seriousness, but to be too serious is not good. And if members in my home space cannot share this with me, then I will do it on my own or find people who will share this with me. And yes, this has been my struggle. Sometimes when you try or do to change yourself, to be healthier happier. This threatens some. And they are not willing though to follow along but seem to go the opposite. And the saying is right. You cannot change someone. Even if it’s to make things better, .you can only take care of yourself. Life is too short for me to let anyone stop me. So I ask you to bear with me. I may have my moments. But I am accepting to any advice. Yes, this may be too much of a personal subject on here, but this is what makes me feel good writing and sharing how I feel. It helps me.

    Holdays..

    The holidays are arriving soon faster than we can wrap our thoughts around them. As each year of holidays come there, a bit different. Something has always changed. Whether it’s the kids, have grown, and now are spending them elsewhere. Or we have a loved one who has passed, and their missing presence is always there in your thoughts, then there is possibly a separation in a relationship, and the family dynamic is changed. Whatever it may be. It’s a hardship that pulls on the heartstrings for some of these things there brought more frontward into our thoughts and is felt much more deeply. And yes, it hurts so much. The thing is Holidays. They are going to come every year whether we enjoy them or not. And we have to need to find new traditions if you want to call it that. I prefer a new way of finding a way to get through them and to enjoy them. To accept what is and make new memories doesn’t mean you have to forget the other memories. You won’t. They’re locked away in your heart forever. Life has a way of pushing us to keep moving forward. To live with this thing called a new normal. It’s our way of coping excepting, especially if we have loved ones we need to be happy for. To help them as well to get through. I know for myself. A lot has changed over the years, and it will never be like it used to, and holidays do not have the same feeling. But they do have a new meaning to me. And it’s just that it’s one day and I feel that how we treat this day and the people that will be with us we should treat no different than any other day. We should love respect, them as always. Yes, we all have bad days, and words get spoken that is not very nice at times, but we are human, and it’s a part of life. So what I ask whoever is having a hard time with the holidays coming. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Let the day come embrace it. Except it for what it is. Just keep moving forward.

    Friday friend night..

    Friday came with the rain gently hitting the window. Happy it wasn’t snow. Sadly I know it will happen. Thursday night, my friend texted me and asked if I would like to get together with her on Friday night? Very spontaneous for us because she is a planner. We enjoyed dinner out at one of our favorite places. The restaurant was busy, but we were able to stay seated for a little over an hour. We are regulars. We think they like to see how many times they will fill my coffee cup. (haha) Yes, no alcohol for us. Coffee and water are my poison. Water with lemon is hers. We have such great conversations and laughs that it’s not needed. We decided it was time to give up the booth; either of us was ready to call it a night. So we decided to get in my car and take a drive so we could chat a bit longer. We manage to talk and laugh for 5 hours. This dinner started at five ๐Ÿ˜Š spontaneous was such a good thing to do. Now we have decided it would be a good idea to get together whenever. We both know there will be days where we will have to plan. But have realized that this is going to be our new regular on our new journey of this chapter of our life.

    This whole parent thing is so changeable. We start first with just going out drinking, dancing. Working, no taking care of children to then having that responsibility and it consuming us. That if you do not pay attention to it, you can lose sight of so many other essential things as well. We tend not to imagine our Children growing and living their own lives. Then when this day comes, we tend to be shell shocked. And we are finding a way out of the rabbit hole to ourselves, once. Again and for some, this is comfortable others like my friend and me no. It is a learning experience. We are finding out so many new and similar things about one another; it’s quite interesting. I do know it will be an exciting and memorable time for us.

    Calm..

    Woke this morning with a unsettled feeling. If I can even call it that . It’s really hard to define what I was feeling. I grabbed a quick shower then went and grabbed some coffee. Still feeling the unsettled ness .I tried to shake it off as just tiredness . I knew though it wasn’t that. I went about getting somethings done around the house. As the day went on I started go feel more at ease . By afternoon I felt better. I decided to go outside and absorb some sun in my face . Feel its warmth. It was such a beautiful day out. The sky could not have been any more blue then it was . Such a deep radiant blue. I just enjoyed the sun ,listening to the birds. And in the distance of the woods I could hear the acorns falling . All was peaceful.

    A car pulled into the driveway. And my peace felt gone within seconds . My in-law aunts seem to arrive at our house . I do not mind company . I do welcome it but I like to know when someone wants to visit. I waited for them to come into the house .once inside things became strange. Well rude. Not on my part but theirs. They made rude remarks. at me because they didn’t like what I was saying. It wasn’ their way . Sadly these are two sisters who have never married and live together. I believe their not happy people unless they judge someone . I do not agree with this behavior . I have put up with it ever since I married. I am or for the most part kind to everyone as long as you are to me and my family if not I will not stand for it and yes it has got me In Trouble many times. I am a fighter I can get angry yes who wouldn’t when your verbally being attacked for no reason but being yourself. Yes I have change a lot over the yr. I have come to take care of me . I have come to realize there is a time when you had enough so yes . I speak my mind . But today was different. Something felt different. As they dished out the bad behavior . I stood there sipping on my tea. I replied with one maybe two words. I was so calm. I wasnt letting them get away with this if that’s what your thinking. I was just calm I had no will to fight there was no reason to . They were being rude. My daughter was amazed at my calm demeanor . And honestly I believe they where shocked the relatives . Because I had no come back .. no raised voice, I just kept excusing myself to walk away for a bit. My calmness amazes me. And the anger I would once feel when this happened. was not there. I was just calm. Luckily I thought of a away to makeup an excuse to get them to leave by telling them my daughter I had appointments to be at and we needed to go . Lucky my daughter caught on with what I was doing. So we acted like it was time to go . Thankfully they stood up from where they where sitting and head for the door. I told them to have a good day . And they were gone . I do not know what happened . The person standing there in that room with them just felt like it wasn’t me. (Haha) no I’m not crazy .. yet๐Ÿ˜‚ Its just a yr ago I would have been lashing back at them and giving them what they wanted . A reaction. But today I believe I shocked them with my calm demeanor . And it was like they inflated. All was quiet for many moments. And I felt fine. My daughter was impressed.

    I will never understand why people have to hurt others why they get pleasure out of being rude to others. Maybe their really not happy with them self’s . Maybe their not as confidence as we think they are. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I really do not like to think bad of others.. Sadly I did use to judge. But now I see no point in it . It only hurts us to be so hurtful by that behavior. And turns us into angry people and I know I do not want to be that kind of person .

    Contentment versus Happiness?

    Here is the definition of content and happiness some will argue this meaning doesn’t or shouldn’t go together. I do understand the definitions but… I feel at times content can be used as a safe haven to use as an excuse to not further grow in life . To be happy to have the settled approach is easier then changing because we all no change can be so hard. If we settle to what is ..even if it’s not a good thing we as human beings do because it’s so much easier. We learn to live , except . Are we happy ? That’s my question . Like I stated content follows happiness but I have found many to say their content they have their routine their material things . Are you happy though and I will hear yes but no . Hmm yes because your settled no because you are not enjoying what you want to in life . Happiness yes is a feeling and some say a desire. Only quoting of what I have heard . Why is being happy over being content so hard for people to except . Why does happiness have a negative if we do not follow it with content. Yes some are very happy with just being , good enough. But do not frown on if it’s not the same believe of others. For example. When I was younger and not a mother I was out going social . I was happy with being me happy and never doubted . Then I became a wife a mother and I slow changed yes as we do . Yes my focus was taken away from me and now directed towards my family. Yes I was happy yes I was content I knew nothing else . My focus was what was asked of me what you do . My writing etc everything I enjoyed that was apart of ME slowly faded . Yes I still wrote except my writing took on whole other meaning about family life. I was less social even though you would think I was around other parents constantly with play dates . They where not my close friends that faded as well. Yes all probably my doing because ones I focus on something I take it to the limit. Who would figure our kids would grow up ๐Ÿ™„ well they did . And I found my ” content life” was not the same . My kids could not be my main focus anymore . It left me wondering now what? I cannot keep going as I was .

    I see life now as I use to be yes older but my need to bring back what I love my social side my silly side , to be me . Take care of me . To realize life doesn’t slow down after the kids are out of the house. That life is about change .. a good change. To take control of my health , my wants, And to me that is yes happiness and contentment.