Growing Up…

Night has arrived and my heart is heavy. Yes I’m probably thinking too much but isn’t that what night does sometimes to people who think too much…. Its the School April vacation week and it’s just not the same . The days are too quiet and normal . The nights have been quiet as well . No loud music playing shaking the walls down ,no laughter of a house full of kids. No not having all our food ate up .

Instead the walls are not shaking just the sound of a movie playing in my sons room no laughter unless it’s my son laughing about something in the movie and a house is full of food . I know he’s growing up . The high school yrs are just about over , he’s done with work the ski season job is over so looking in the mean time for another but not having much luck . So it’s been going to the gym then to sport practice and then maybe one night he ate out after with his track friends but has been home the past 4 nights . I know I shouldn’t complain but this is just not how he is .The friend group has changed so he’s not hanging around with friends that are constantly running in between everything, the friends he has are doing what he is doing and as he puts it chilling at home at night. Does he miss the running hmmm I don’t know but why do I feel sorry for him? He came home tonight after gym and practice made his special diet for supper showered and then put on a movie in his room .. about an hour later he texted me ….yes he did I was in the living room. He asked if I would make him a pb&j sandwhich . How could I refuse 🙂 I brought it to him and there he was in his bed in his comfy clothes watching his movie and looking content so maybe he’s not missing the running around … maybe he is just growing up. Or maybe he’s doing wha I’m doing and thinking too much and needs a movie for distraction🙄 a lot of changes are happening to him and it’s fine if he’s actually chilling himself 😂 I need to stop thinking myself and let him be ,soon it’s back to school ,exams prepping for graduation college signups so yes I need to let him be…oh nights can do a number on you and Facebook as well al the posting of who’s doing what ugh need to stop comparing our family with others . That actually is maybe the problem … and him as well he seems to be on it a lot okay I need to stop …. always a mom…. well I do not hear the movie anymore he must have gone to bed. What I should be doing. Along with my hubby who is fast asleep …okay think I will good night everyone …

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Monday!

Good Morning ! Unbelievable it’s Monday already . The last week of March and Easter , my hubby’s Birthday this weekend oh crazy of the timing this yr … but then again this is a bit of a crazy year … changes .. trying to go with the flow one step at a time . More like trudging through wet cement . Well that said 😦. How was everyone’s weekend ? I hope good . Sitting here looking out my window the sun is shinning the sky is a beautiful blue and the coffee taste good . Quiet at the moment soon my son will be up hustling and bustling around the kitchen getting his breakfast and showering to head off to school . I will just sit back give him a good morning and let him do his thing he is not a talkative morning person and he has his routine . Days of dragging him out of bed oh wait that was my daughter 🙂 he didn’t mind getting up and going to school he would do a mad dash to the kitchen for me to make him his breakfast that was something different every morning then dressing quickly and rushing me out to get him to school so he could play on the playground before school started. Where my daughter would eat the same breakfast get dressed slowly with a little push from me and wait till the bell was about to ring then just go into the school. … ahhh such opposites and still to this day. It alway felt like a tug of war being pulled into two different directions and now with them older and looking at them with their separate things going on and I still feeling that pull because I have something to say to both to help …suggest but can’t especially my adult daughter my son yes but will not listen hmm either of them will not listen. So yes hard to watch but at the moment it’s about the only thing to do I guess will see.. always a mom… 🙄 well my sons up so I guess I will go say good morning and then get back to whatever I need to do today.

Coloring !

It’s Sunday night hubby and I are watching the Winter Olympics and I am Adult Coloring . My nerves feel on edge ..this change of life is not easy to deal with …women you know what IM talking about My mood swings are the worst . I feel sorry for my hubby hahaha I warned him 🙂 ahhh he has is moods so its all good . So we thought we settle in our bedroom and watch tv and I will color as well . House is quiet except for the on and off sound of little paws sounding like she is doing laps around the house Miss Abigail in her active moments. My page is coming along , this one is time consuming but not challenging which is what I usually like so it will be nice to finish this one up and start a more challenging page. .

Once again …

Once again it’s the weekend . To me it’s another day okay that did not come out right, having the chronic disability I have has its moments of disappear For example today the sun is shining and my mind feels like it could run miles but my hip says otherwise … it’s hurting today more with the temps changing . My hubby went grocery shopping for me ,thankfully . I know I should be happy I do not have to do it but instead I feel not useful ,weak I hate this feeling . I know that the things I can do I should be thankful for I’m here I’m with my family I can cook for them I can talk with them but when they go off and do something as simple as a hike or my sons meets  or an all day shopping day with my daughter where I can not stand for long or walk for long periods of time is so frustrating . I know they understand but it’s hard and soon my kids won’t need me to cook for them or need laundry done  it’s already has been less  well my daughter does her own  and  my son does it on occasions ,  I know all good how it should be it just lets me feel useful .crazy thinking …I know.

My hubby is going through is own changes he is going to be 50 in April and is dreading it , to me age is just a number . I know he is thinking of his dad who will not be here for it since his passing this past August. He would just love to forget that day , So more then ever he is wanting to keep moving keep busy running hiking and sadly the things I can’t do with him and when the track meets and football games are over he will not know what to do with himself  even more .  I’m hoping to get up to Maine with him and sit on the beach , eat out at our favorite spots there ,  do more with just the two of us why not we sit home at night with each other  hahaha  we where going to go to the drive – ins last summer just the two of us but every time we had the chance they where showing a kid movie ,   Of course. Will play it by ear one day at a time for now to get through this winter and its ever changing weather . I have always been a reader Over the last several yrs I have not been as avid but now with more free time I’m picking it back up  and have a list of books I want to read . My hubby is not a reader . When it’s time to relax for the night it’s watching tv and then he falls asleep .. I love the adult coloring books , my daughter got me interested in them when she bought me my first book and now I’m hooked . I have several now. On nights  my

hubby falls asleep or I can’t sleep I read or color. My daughter laughs at me when I show here the finish page she will and I quote her “so you couldn’t sleep last night ”  🙂 Or how long did you wait up for Seth . Yeah she’s got my number 🙂  Getting back to the subject it’s hard when you want to do something but you can’t oh I could try but I know I will pay for it for days .there are things that are worth the pain but all in all its hard when your mind feels young but your body feels old.

Anxiety…

Hmmm.. being a mom is such an amazing most beautiful feeling .That first moment whether it’s your 1st 2nd etc amount of children you have that special moment holding them in your arms and them looking up at you is like no other feeling you will ever know and you want to hold on to them and never ever let them go . You will protect them with all your might. There is nothing you wouldn’t do to keep them from hurting or succeeding in life…..but then the teenage yrs come and they turn into a person you know is your child but this attitude this whole new person standing in front of you is not that little girl or boy you held in your arms not that long ago okay well yes very long ago. Many moons ago but to a mom the time is irrelevant You know that little child is in that grown body some where now telling you their fine they got this let me be . Oh but those are words you thought you would never hear or would of taken a little bit longer to get here then it did. Why does time have to fly by so fast .

My mind keeps counting how many months to graduation and my anxiety grows.. every college application every moment waiting for that email or letter in the mail and seeing if they get in or the disappointment on their face when one college has gotten back to them and it’s a not at this time . So you watch them wait for the next . Oh and as the wait goes on you think how one step closer they will be-to starting this journey of life . As a parent a mom that journey also consists of change for us as well … figuring out what we do now when all you really have done has been a stay at home mom ,one because it worked and two because of my disability . ..But still what to do ? So my anxiety is up and flaring and I’m trying to change some things now so it won’t be so hard when he is off. Oh believe me he’s helping this hahaha my son and daughter are not home much my daughter the oldest is here more she has a place downstairs and a steady job and saving up and paying her car off so she is comfortable at the moment with her kitty living here with her . My son the youngest is ready to run . They are so opposite and it’s coming to light so much more now that their older … anyways my son is helping this change he’s usually at practice the gym with friends ,working or hiding out in his room that part is nice 🙂 I must say I’m happy I have this blog it keeps me busy and something to look forward too plus I love my adult coloring and I’m reading more once again . Soon I can spend some time out with my friends and not worry about all the ice and snow . The days are getting longer. As I hope my spouts of anxiety get shorter 🙂

Just not the same…

.       Yes it was a snow day, but just not the same anymore…not snowed in life went on as usual.. work for my daughter, gym for my son and cleaning for myself  only thing  that was the  same ,my hubby was home so it was all business as usual No stuck at home together cuddled under blankets lounging around with hot chocolate and movies after sledding ,no snow angels or snowmen being made.or just even the cars being stuck in the driveway and all of us doing different things inside but at least all at home together. No cars made it out just fine and life didn’t stop for the day. I need to get use to this   These kind of days things have changed and I need to as well even though I do not go out on days like this with my hip but it’s about my mindset that needs to change and except this it’s the way it suppose to be. Im trying believe me but change is not one of the thingsI except easily . .  Tonight we are all home but it’s nigh hahaha a quieter night friends are gone home my son is finishing up homework my daughter is down In her place ,my hubby and I are settled under our covers watching our shows soon he will be snoring because he always falls asleep before me .okay somethings never change.🙂