One day at a time, one thing at a time..

It’s been a very warm humid week . Air conditioners have been working over time. Went out only if I really needed to otherwise I just enjoyed the air conditioners and got a lot done with the help of music piercing down the hall from my sons bedroom. It wasn’t his music but mine. He has the best speakers to hook my phone to. 😂It was nice to listen to my music as loud as I wanted having the house to myself . I was able to drown out all my thoughts that have been occupying my mind…  and get a break from them. This summer has been another learning experience . They have been for the last couple of years. This one is been a bit more . This month I turn 50… wrapping my mind around this is ..has been really hard . I’ve just started to get use to having adult kids and trying to find myself after all these years .I know I have talked about this in recent posts about not being the person I was before kids and now after having them . Yes we do age ..change ..grow up time doesn’t stop but now I’m trying to find contentment in this next chapter. I find myself questioning what I do what I enjoy ,how I spend this time of no more family routine but just being is okay. I tell myself I have done my job raising my kids being the best mother, wife anyone can be. And doing this with a chronic illness . Which when I was raising my family I did not think about it sure I felt the effect of my  health issues but I was occupied I focused on my family. I exceeded more then Imagined . I wasn’t even suppose to be able to have kids especially two of them.  I should take this as a time to now enjoy my books, writing , socializing and I do not mean with other mother’s but my friends . Friends I grew up with. funny thing is I have lost most of those mother’s now we have all gone other ways. I have lost one that was very close to me and I thought even when our kids grew up I would enjoy this next chapter with her…

IMG_8931Life had other plans. I slowed down a bit more which ugh…age does that. and with a chronic illness makes it a bit more challenging. I guess I just couldn’t run with her like she run’s and I do not mean jogging I mean constantly going here there and every where . Did this realization hurt yes. I never wanted this illness to define me it never has until this summer and it hurts. I let her define me by showing me what I cannot do.  and her walking away from me I  am not her problem she has a right to live her life but I thought she respected me enough to know that I still had thought we where still friend… now I have faced yes I am a bit different in ways your health can effect you. My mind feels so young but my body feel so much older….and now add 50 into the mix . Do I know aging is a blessing yes do I know it’s just a number ? yes but this is still  going to be a hard one. Please I am not having a pity party Or want pity just letting my thoughts out Everyone is fighting their own battles and my heart breaks for them .as much as life is beautiful it can be hard…with us all sticking together I think it will make it a lot easier to get through. . ..Thankfully I have found , become great friends on here with someone that has helped me so much and she know’s who she is. I feel so blessed to have found her as I hope she feels the same way about me. She is such a blessing. I am so happy to add her to my short list of close friends . She has reminded me what matters  many times over… and for that I thank her and hope everyone who is fighting their own battles has a person like her in their life like I do. I promise, well will try to have more of an up beat post next time.💖

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Good morning!

Good morning everyone hope everyone’s having a good week . I can’t believe it’s Wed already . Been a less running around week then lasts . Last week I felt I needed to keep running around to keep my mind from thinking , wondering. And when that only helped a bit I just gave in and decided …. it’s okay to just stop and if my mind started thinking and wondering fine . Running from it was not going stop it. Things are different .. quieter .. less busy and yes I miss my son so much and it’s fine to feel that . And shed a tear or two or three ..(hahaha) so this week I realize after giving in to my feelings I’ve had a calmer week , I’ve kept busy no chance in that not happening house still needs to be kept up errands still need to be run and suppers still need to be made . But my mind as let me concentrate on reading and coloring . My husband and I are enjoying are shows together and we are joking more learning to be us again . Always have been but now it’s more joking just laughing to our own little things. . My daughter is still at home but has been out with friends and boyfriend and work so haven’t seen her much . I know soon enough my son will be home but I know this experience of his has started a shift in a change of how things will be .around here for all of us.

To my daughter .

You came into this world with fire  and strength and a  heart so big .Do not ever let life hurt you so bad that it takes away that fire and and shatters your heart but learn from it .use the heat to warm that heart of yours and use that strength to fight back and show this crazy world what your made of .. People  with big hearts hurt more because they feel so much more deeply not a bad thing . I think the world needs more people like you.

New Years Eve!

Happy New Years Everyone I hope everyone has safe and happy one. I am going to sit back eat  some   Chinese Food and  enjoy some glasses of wine and reflect on this past year and what a year it was so many unimaginable losses but at the same time many new happy experiences  My Son making it too Junior Olympics in Sacramento California for a week He got his drivers learners permit.  ,, but then like I said many unimaginable losses, life loves doing that to us   never a dull moment but I guess it’s away to keep us on our toes which to me is a bad joke. I am so ready to say goodbye to this year but not what I am leaving behind with it ..my beautiful pup bitter sweet had him for 6 beautiful yrs  and lost him this year the beginning of this month. but in my heart I will carry him into the New Year but hopefully the sadness of his loss doesn’t follow but Gives me the chance to bring in the beautiful and so many of beautiful memories of him and when I think of him in 2017 I want to smile not tear up….will see easier said then done .Something strange happen tonight we put up our  our tree and its been up for about three weeks so tonight on the last night it will be up the lights are blinking now .okay to me its just strange and actually my husband was puzzled by it.. okay I believe in signs so it puzzles me some say ahh it just happens but on New Years Eve well that’s timing . what do You think?  Well time for Chinese and wine everyone enjoy and stay safe .

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