Short posts.. a lot going on.

My posts have been short . It’s hard to describe but I’ll try , I’ve been posting everyday ..it’s just I do not feel like I’m really saying anything … I do not feel my heart and my mind is into what I’m posting in the last week or two . I believe my heart and mind is else where . With virus’s going around with my daughter starting it then I and my son leaving in about a week and two days and now finding out he will not be home for Christmas , Thanksgiving we knew he wouldn’t but he was going to come home for Christmas but now with it not being really two weeks off it’s suggested to just stay right on through until end of Feb possibly March . Now I’m having to deal with my husband seeking my attention constantly because he’s thinking so much about it as I am trying to deal with my own feelings plus little spats between my son and I because he thinks I’m mothering him too much …ugh honestly I’m going to miss him but I think him and I need a break from one another. So dealing with a little guilt of how I’m feeling but I know he feels we need a break as well. A lot of emotions running high in our house at the moment. That’s where my heart and mind is. I hope to feel like my heart and mind will be back into this again soon. Until then hope you can bare with me .

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Anxiety…

Hmmm.. being a mom is such an amazing most beautiful feeling .That first moment whether it’s your 1st 2nd etc amount of children you have that special moment holding them in your arms and them looking up at you is like no other feeling you will ever know and you want to hold on to them and never ever let them go . You will protect them with all your might. There is nothing you wouldn’t do to keep them from hurting or succeeding in life…..but then the teenage yrs come and they turn into a person you know is your child but this attitude this whole new person standing in front of you is not that little girl or boy you held in your arms not that long ago okay well yes very long ago. Many moons ago but to a mom the time is irrelevant You know that little child is in that grown body some where now telling you their fine they got this let me be . Oh but those are words you thought you would never hear or would of taken a little bit longer to get here then it did. Why does time have to fly by so fast .

My mind keeps counting how many months to graduation and my anxiety grows.. every college application every moment waiting for that email or letter in the mail and seeing if they get in or the disappointment on their face when one college has gotten back to them and it’s a not at this time . So you watch them wait for the next . Oh and as the wait goes on you think how one step closer they will be-to starting this journey of life . As a parent a mom that journey also consists of change for us as well … figuring out what we do now when all you really have done has been a stay at home mom ,one because it worked and two because of my disability . ..But still what to do ? So my anxiety is up and flaring and I’m trying to change some things now so it won’t be so hard when he is off. Oh believe me he’s helping this hahaha my son and daughter are not home much my daughter the oldest is here more she has a place downstairs and a steady job and saving up and paying her car off so she is comfortable at the moment with her kitty living here with her . My son the youngest is ready to run . They are so opposite and it’s coming to light so much more now that their older … anyways my son is helping this change he’s usually at practice the gym with friends ,working or hiding out in his room that part is nice ūüôā I must say I’m happy I have this blog it keeps me busy and something to look forward too plus I love my adult coloring and I’m reading more once again . Soon I can spend some time out with my friends and not worry about all the ice and snow . The days are getting longer. As I hope my spouts of anxiety get shorter ūüôā

Feelings…

I honestly believe that love is the hardest part of living , but at the same time best part of living .. yes love can feel so good and make you feel this deep sensation deep down inside to your soul and yet at the same time can be the hardest and saddest most painful feeling you ever experienced . How can one word one feeling be so complicated an the most best or worst thing in your life . Love is such a powerful word .

Thoughts …

It’s late at night lying  in bed and my thoughts feel all scattered and nothing feels normal ..I think this will be mine and my families feeling for awhile as well. ..everything as changed so fast it’s unbelievable so. I guess the feeling of normalcy is not happening is where it’s at for the time being one think that hasn’t change is the kids are still out and I will wait to fall asleep unless sleep overcomes me …haven’t had much of a good nights sleep ‘this past week. So I will let the humming from the fan get me to sleep .

Thoughts..

The wind nips at my face as my hair blows around my face blocking my eyes and sending me stumbling to the ground . The earth below me feels hard and cold like your heart. I curse but not because of you but because of me …why I yell how could I be so blind. How could I not see who you where who I was or became ¬†so weak…I lay there and the ¬†fog surrounds me I try to move but I can’t I can only lay there as the fog gets thicker. My eyes close …I’m awaken by the bright morning ¬†Sun.. I blink and I notice I’m in my room I was dreaming and you are gone and I smile I am not weak I am strong.

 

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Days gone by….

sitting here in the quietness with the episodes of The Walton’s playing The feeling of¬† warm and loving feelings of a Mothers arms wrapped around me .As a child I remember when my parents went out and my older siblings were out as well I was home being taken care of¬† by my Grandparents who faithfully watched The Walton’s that played on¬† the weekend nights and I was bored to tears because I was young .. I just did not understand the meaning of this show but I always loved the ending when the whole family would all be settled in their beds and they showed the¬† the house in the darkness¬† with one or two bedroom lights¬† on and they would say goodnight to one another it felt so cozy¬† and a warm feeling . I remember trying it with my family one night and it did not go over well..my sisters yelled at me to¬† stop and just go to bed oh the simple days ..I still to this day laugh at that memory. With the world feeling like its falling apart all around us and how materialistic we have all become when back in the days The Walton”s show us that money was sparse but they had just enough for their needs if that but that family love. morals accounted for everything and that they where rich in more ways then anyone of us¬† will ever be…I think we have lost sight of that that being rich is not just how much money we have but the love of our families and how we treat and respect others. So every now in then when I need a reminder with life’s¬† trials I watch the Walton’s to put things back into perspective.

A New Day!!

I woke to a new day¬† sun shining big¬† blue sky and saw this simple beautiful rose out side my front door and¬† I just looked at it so bright and peaceful soaking in the sun not bad for¬† a November cold morning ..it was¬† just being and I sighed thinking now if this world could be as content as this rose taking in each day as it comes blossoming with not a care in the world just being …sometimes just being is such a beautiful feeling.. so I stood there admiring it as long as possible as¬† the world around me was¬† in total chaos over our new elected President , rioting in the streets in the cities and on the media¬† and people in my town voicing their opinions again and not being very nice I just turned off the sites and started on with my day with a thank you to this rose for showing me¬† that life is still beautiful and life still goes on and we have the choice to watch or not , to shut everything off and make it into a beautiful positive day . Positive was the direction I went, okay I will warn you¬† nothing exciting but I enjoyed a peaceful quiet cup of coffee and then did things around my house with my pups by my side happily carrying his toy in his mouth¬† once things were in there right place I¬† settled down to watch¬† my favorite soap opera with a cup of hot chocolate and watched the drama unroll through my show, now this drama I can handle.¬† Soon the quietness will be replaced with¬† dinner plates clanging my family chatting about their day and for me I will sit and listen laugh and smile as contentment sets in and that my friends is a good day.

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