Writing… thoughts #2

The music plays softly in the lightly darkened room. My body wrapped warmly in a blanket. Wishing that it was your arms instead keeping me warm. Your voice whispering in my thoughts singing to me the songs I hear playing . I close my eyes and feel my body relax and feel comforted with the sound of your voice. I can see your ocean, blue eyes piercing through my thoughts. My heart aches to have you near. You’re all I need. You are the every breath I take, every smile on my face. Every beautiful thing my eyes see. Cant you see?

Writing…thoughts

The darkness surrounds me. But I see a glimmer of light. And I hear a beating sound of a heart. Is that mine or yours shining and beating to guide me through this darkness? I hold out my arms and move forward slowly, feeling this pull to what I see and hear, is it you? Can you see me? Can you hear my heart? My breathing becomes shallow; my arms keep reaching for you. But yet the closer I get, the further away you are, I can feel the warmth around me. Please let that be you. All I know is I need to get to you. I’m so tired all I want is to feel your arms wrapped around me. Hear your heart beating with mine as we they become one. And then I will feel complete.

Puzzling…

Friday morning woke from a dream that felt so real. I know we all have had that kind of dream. This though, was a dream like I have never had. It was so peaceful. Comforting. And felt so much love. I would say the rest, but you wouldn’t believe it. I’ll leave it at that . It was something so spiritual if that even describes it. And the rest of the day seems to follow suit in signs oh so many signs. A cardinal was appearing right in front of where my sister and I where parked on a bush while we’re talking about our parents that had passed many yrs ago. And then as fast as it appeared, it disappeared just wanting to show it’s presence. The day as I stated still followed with more signs. We went into a store that my sister had been In more than I could count, and I had never been in. It was like an indoor tag sale and antiques shop. This place was wall to wall stocked with everything you could ever imagine. I chuckled and stated that I would love to come upon an old fashioned stainless steel made meat grinder that back in the day you would clamp onto your counter and put whatever meat in it to hand spin the meat for sandwiches. I believe it’s could possibly be an antique. As a kid, I loved watching my mother use it. My sister agreed it would be something to find. As we browsed, I happened to look down at the same time as she did at this tin pail holding random items, and there was where we spotted the meat grinder And the look on our face. well, you could imagine was priceless. she reached down and grabbed it and said of all the things there was no price tag on it everything in the place has a tag on it and some things were so expensive I could only imagine. I asked the lady working, and she was like oh well that’s different and throughout a random amount. 5.00 dollars, all I could say was okay. Thinking though this was worth so much more. We left after that quickly.. She invited me to stay over her house and bake with her and her daughter and yes, drink coffee. She loved her coffee as well it’s a family thing. We stopped by my house so I could grab my things and off we went to her house that is our family homstead. So always going to her house is like going home again. She has redone it, and it looks beautiful, but it’s still home always will be. The three of us had a bunch of laughs and enjoyed homemade m&m cookies and coffee. Yes, I cheated on my diet, but so worth it. We stayed up way past midnight chatting . The day was absolutely amazing. There was many more signs and moments of discoveries . That proofed that our parents were still around us watching over us. Another time for that . When I post my meat grinder. I will say a lot I have discovered about my family and this thing called life and death . and even though someone has passed and we cannot see them . We can at least feel them if you open your heart and mind to it . Your heart is the easy part their your love ones . Wrapping your mind around it is another thing. For me both is easy for I feel very sensitive to this. It’s unbelievable but beautiful.

Living..

Life is amazing, beautiful. A gift. Yes we know this we have heard this many times over. Just look around look at the beautiful flowers that grow wild in a field of green . The sound of the birds as they call out to one another. The bright beautiful warming sun through out the day the big blue endless sky. The sound of bees as they buzz by you . The sound of the wind as it blows the trees gently . The tickle cross your face as the wind touches it. Then the night , the silence of it . Maybe a distant sound of an animal rustling through the woods as the leaves and branches crunch and snap under their paws. The stars diamond the sky . All such a wonder . But then there’s the days where the sky opens up and the rain pours down . The sky is filled with endless clouds . The warmth is replaced by cold that burns the skin . The wind blows like a tantrum . The stars do not shine. The world is dark. Yes life as it’s bright it is dark. As human beings we discover both the bright days and the dark . At times and we may feel the dark days more then the bright. No laughter but tears . We may hear the endless negative thought echoing in our heads. We may feel weak . At a loss a dark cloud hanging over us and we may not know why . The feeling we experience may be of such dispare that we cannot find our way back to the light. Instead we fall more deeper into the darkness and pulling ourself up is to tiring to sad we think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to leave all this behind . To let go. Maybe feel free from all the pain that surrounds your body and mind. It seems like a easy pass out of this world . Why not..

Let’s see you are a beautiful human being someone’s child , daughter , son , sister, brother , mother , father, aunt , uncle …. you! A beautiful person brought into this world to live , embrace life’s mystery. To laugh. love be loved . Someone’s hero , someone’s happiness, someone’s light. Someone who brings more happiness into this world by just being you , yes flaws and all. No ones perfect. No one expects you to be . And if they do then there not for you. We all have our own journey in this world . No one said it would be easy we can’t see rainbows all the time . Life comes with many ups and downs. But it’s so worth it . It’s worth fighting for. It’s worth pushing through . If you feel this way please seek help . Find someone to talk to . Tell them how you feel let them listen . Let them know. No shame in feeling this way . Life can push us to far at times but there is always someone who is willing to listen to help . Let them. Because you are so worth it . You are special not only because you are you but also because you are special to someone also who wants to see that smile hear that laugh to feel that love you still have so much to give. ❤️

This is for the ones that I know that have lost their life to suicide or have thought about it, and who suffer from depression…😞

What people think..

I sit here thinking . Yes always thinking. The thoughts that run through my head are a bit different today then other days. I’m thinking about who I am . Me as a whole body and mind. And yes my faults well I call them that because I’m not perfect . Oh wait … what ? I’m not perfect? I’m not 6ft tall long legs young beautiful blond blue eyes . No! I am 4″11 slim but not long legs . I am not youthful . Hmm well that’s just so wrong. Do you see I’m 4″11 yes a child like size but good things come in small packages. So they say. , straight hair on some days and wild curly hair on other days yes it is what it is. I have dark hair as the night when not in the sun and brunette when I am. But I am me ! I smile everyday no matter what . And I laugh every chance I get . I love my coffee it’s my poison. Some say I drink too much I say it’s never enough. I love to have long conversations deep , silly or just random ones. I love to listen to people about their thoughts. It intrigues me. I do not like fake . I only do real so if your real and you respect me we will get along just fine. Now you ask why and if you are not asking why I’m telling you all this I’ll tell you anyways.

I do not like how people judge others to a point that you begin to question yourself . No one has that righties power over you to do that . Yes it’s hard not to let them . I know this as been going on for decades but today it’s getting to be too much. So many people are being judged for just being them. To me this is rude and so wrong . Our words can hurt people so deeply . And no as they say ” you can not take them back . Those harsh words judgements get imbedded in peoples souls especially the sensitive caring and loving ones . And can do so much damage . Thank you for them that they still exist. .. but if we keep doing what we are doing and judging people pointing out there imperfections well your idea of that they will not exist much longer. This world will just get more populated with unkind unhappy people yes unhappy . If you can hurt someone in this way then your not happy with yourself . Well to me that is sad. I wouldn’t want to be that person . So let’s think about it the next time we pick on someone. If their not hurting anyone leave them alone . But just stop hurting people. Life is too short. And precious we are all who we are . If we where all the same I believe it would be a very boring unhappy world.

Heart …

The heart is a powerful force of emotions. It does not know what is right or wrong . Even though the saying goes follow your heart. And yes we do follow it so what is right what is wrong. All we have is the intense feeling of this feeling that keeps us up at night . Or the feeling like no other the one that makes you feel alive you want to cry. Oh the heart the power of it . Do we dare to follow , do we dare not to…

Calm..

Woke this morning with a unsettled feeling. If I can even call it that . It’s really hard to define what I was feeling. I grabbed a quick shower then went and grabbed some coffee. Still feeling the unsettled ness .I tried to shake it off as just tiredness . I knew though it wasn’t that. I went about getting somethings done around the house. As the day went on I started go feel more at ease . By afternoon I felt better. I decided to go outside and absorb some sun in my face . Feel its warmth. It was such a beautiful day out. The sky could not have been any more blue then it was . Such a deep radiant blue. I just enjoyed the sun ,listening to the birds. And in the distance of the woods I could hear the acorns falling . All was peaceful.

A car pulled into the driveway. And my peace felt gone within seconds . My in-law aunts seem to arrive at our house . I do not mind company . I do welcome it but I like to know when someone wants to visit. I waited for them to come into the house .once inside things became strange. Well rude. Not on my part but theirs. They made rude remarks. at me because they didn’t like what I was saying. It wasn’ their way . Sadly these are two sisters who have never married and live together. I believe their not happy people unless they judge someone . I do not agree with this behavior . I have put up with it ever since I married. I am or for the most part kind to everyone as long as you are to me and my family if not I will not stand for it and yes it has got me In Trouble many times. I am a fighter I can get angry yes who wouldn’t when your verbally being attacked for no reason but being yourself. Yes I have change a lot over the yr. I have come to take care of me . I have come to realize there is a time when you had enough so yes . I speak my mind . But today was different. Something felt different. As they dished out the bad behavior . I stood there sipping on my tea. I replied with one maybe two words. I was so calm. I wasnt letting them get away with this if that’s what your thinking. I was just calm I had no will to fight there was no reason to . They were being rude. My daughter was amazed at my calm demeanor . And honestly I believe they where shocked the relatives . Because I had no come back .. no raised voice, I just kept excusing myself to walk away for a bit. My calmness amazes me. And the anger I would once feel when this happened. was not there. I was just calm. Luckily I thought of a away to makeup an excuse to get them to leave by telling them my daughter I had appointments to be at and we needed to go . Lucky my daughter caught on with what I was doing. So we acted like it was time to go . Thankfully they stood up from where they where sitting and head for the door. I told them to have a good day . And they were gone . I do not know what happened . The person standing there in that room with them just felt like it wasn’t me. (Haha) no I’m not crazy .. yet😂 Its just a yr ago I would have been lashing back at them and giving them what they wanted . A reaction. But today I believe I shocked them with my calm demeanor . And it was like they inflated. All was quiet for many moments. And I felt fine. My daughter was impressed.

I will never understand why people have to hurt others why they get pleasure out of being rude to others. Maybe their really not happy with them self’s . Maybe their not as confidence as we think they are. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I really do not like to think bad of others.. Sadly I did use to judge. But now I see no point in it . It only hurts us to be so hurtful by that behavior. And turns us into angry people and I know I do not want to be that kind of person .