At times my mind plays tricks on me, I question .. are you real? Are you really here with me, I’ve never have felt this before it’s as strange as the darkness we can not see through but only feel. When I close my eyes I see your smile. I hear your kind voice .I feel the gentleness in your touch even though we have never touched. My heart feels your warmth ,warming me when everything else around me feels cold. Please let this be real for I crave you like a body thirsts for water . Oh please let this be real …
I want you when the dark clouds come in to lift me up, and when the sun is shining on us I want to share it’s warmth with you.
I woke with a nostalgic feeling.. I laid there in bed thinking how the time was here … my sons move out day to move in to his dorm. I made my way to a quick shower feeling a bit foggy head from my medication for my UTI but pushed forward. Made my way out to take the dose and grab a cup of coffee. My son asked me if I would help him pack his clothes .. of course I said. We talked and listen to music as we went through his clothes. And yes we laughed it was nice. I became quiet and he said oh mom don’t be sad I’m not going to be that far away you can do a day trip and come have lunch with me. I guess it’s just the fact of seeing his things packed up and not hearing the back door shut and close continually .The house will be quiet. I guess that’s my dread… I was handling his leaving pretty good for awhile but now as I sit here look at everything piled in the living room ready to go I’m feeling a bit sad. Always a mother… I am so proud of him and I want him to reach for the stars because I know he is capable of that . He has such drive and I know it will take him on any path he chooses. I have one plus I have my car back (hahaha) silly how that is one of the things I’m looking forward to. On Monday I will spend the day out shopping with my daughter and get our Starbucks pumpkin lattes . That is out. That will be fun a break up the week . Life once again changes .. oh how I got too comfortable with him being home again after Basic. Well time to get some sleep or at least try. Not holding out too much hope for that. 🙂this just some of his tags he will be taking the rest is in his room .
As your laying in bed and the silence of the house around you is deafening .. as your finishing your prayers . You hear the distant sound of a trains whistle echo through the darkness of the night . It’s a lonely but comforting sound as you pull the covers up settling under them a bit more you drift slowly off to sleep.
My posts have been short . It’s hard to describe but I’ll try , I’ve been posting everyday ..it’s just I do not feel like I’m really saying anything … I do not feel my heart and my mind is into what I’m posting in the last week or two . I believe my heart and mind is else where . With virus’s going around with my daughter starting it then I and my son leaving in about a week and two days and now finding out he will not be home for Christmas , Thanksgiving we knew he wouldn’t but he was going to come home for Christmas but now with it not being really two weeks off it’s suggested to just stay right on through until end of Feb possibly March . Now I’m having to deal with my husband seeking my attention constantly because he’s thinking so much about it as I am trying to deal with my own feelings plus little spats between my son and I because he thinks I’m mothering him too much …ugh honestly I’m going to miss him but I think him and I need a break from one another. So dealing with a little guilt of how I’m feeling but I know he feels we need a break as well. A lot of emotions running high in our house at the moment. That’s where my heart and mind is. I hope to feel like my heart and mind will be back into this again soon. Until then hope you can bare with me .
Hmmm.. being a mom is such an amazing most beautiful feeling .That first moment whether it’s your 1st 2nd etc amount of children you have that special moment holding them in your arms and them looking up at you is like no other feeling you will ever know and you want to hold on to them and never ever let them go . You will protect them with all your might. There is nothing you wouldn’t do to keep them from hurting or succeeding in life…..but then the teenage yrs come and they turn into a person you know is your child but this attitude this whole new person standing in front of you is not that little girl or boy you held in your arms not that long ago okay well yes very long ago. Many moons ago but to a mom the time is irrelevant You know that little child is in that grown body some where now telling you their fine they got this let me be . Oh but those are words you thought you would never hear or would of taken a little bit longer to get here then it did. Why does time have to fly by so fast .
My mind keeps counting how many months to graduation and my anxiety grows.. every college application every moment waiting for that email or letter in the mail and seeing if they get in or the disappointment on their face when one college has gotten back to them and it’s a not at this time . So you watch them wait for the next . Oh and as the wait goes on you think how one step closer they will be-to starting this journey of life . As a parent a mom that journey also consists of change for us as well … figuring out what we do now when all you really have done has been a stay at home mom ,one because it worked and two because of my disability . ..But still what to do ? So my anxiety is up and flaring and I’m trying to change some things now so it won’t be so hard when he is off. Oh believe me he’s helping this hahaha my son and daughter are not home much my daughter the oldest is here more she has a place downstairs and a steady job and saving up and paying her car off so she is comfortable at the moment with her kitty living here with her . My son the youngest is ready to run . They are so opposite and it’s coming to light so much more now that their older … anyways my son is helping this change he’s usually at practice the gym with friends ,working or hiding out in his room that part is nice 🙂 I must say I’m happy I have this blog it keeps me busy and something to look forward too plus I love my adult coloring and I’m reading more once again . Soon I can spend some time out with my friends and not worry about all the ice and snow . The days are getting longer. As I hope my spouts of anxiety get shorter 🙂
I honestly believe that love is the hardest part of living , but at the same time best part of living .. yes love can feel so good and make you feel this deep sensation deep down inside to your soul and yet at the same time can be the hardest and saddest most painful feeling you ever experienced . How can one word one feeling be so complicated an the most best or worst thing in your life . Love is such a powerful word .