Growing Up…

Night has arrived and my heart is heavy. Yes I’m probably thinking too much but isn’t that what night does sometimes to people who think too much…. Its the School April vacation week and it’s just not the same . The days are too quiet and normal . The nights have been quiet as well . No loud music playing shaking the walls down ,no laughter of a house full of kids. No not having all our food ate up .

Instead the walls are not shaking just the sound of a movie playing in my sons room no laughter unless it’s my son laughing about something in the movie and a house is full of food . I know he’s growing up . The high school yrs are just about over , he’s done with work the ski season job is over so looking in the mean time for another but not having much luck . So it’s been going to the gym then to sport practice and then maybe one night he ate out after with his track friends but has been home the past 4 nights . I know I shouldn’t complain but this is just not how he is .The friend group has changed so he’s not hanging around with friends that are constantly running in between everything, the friends he has are doing what he is doing and as he puts it chilling at home at night. Does he miss the running hmmm I don’t know but why do I feel sorry for him? He came home tonight after gym and practice made his special diet for supper showered and then put on a movie in his room .. about an hour later he texted me ….yes he did I was in the living room. He asked if I would make him a pb&j sandwhich . How could I refuse 🙂 I brought it to him and there he was in his bed in his comfy clothes watching his movie and looking content so maybe he’s not missing the running around … maybe he is just growing up. Or maybe he’s doing wha I’m doing and thinking too much and needs a movie for distraction🙄 a lot of changes are happening to him and it’s fine if he’s actually chilling himself 😂 I need to stop thinking myself and let him be ,soon it’s back to school ,exams prepping for graduation college signups so yes I need to let him be…oh nights can do a number on you and Facebook as well al the posting of who’s doing what ugh need to stop comparing our family with others . That actually is maybe the problem … and him as well he seems to be on it a lot okay I need to stop …. always a mom…. well I do not hear the movie anymore he must have gone to bed. What I should be doing. Along with my hubby who is fast asleep …okay think I will good night everyone …

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Kitchen table..

The kitchen table .. is not just for breakfast , lunch and dinner , it’s a place for endless nights of doing homework. it’s the best place in house to enjoy a hot cup of your favorite coffee ..tea or whatever your liking is. As you enjoy a simple chat before heading out to start your day . Or a quiet moment to talk over a bad day . For me it’s the place where many moments memories are made good or bad but especially the good , the kitchen table holds on to all our laughing silly or deep conversations about life . It has heard many happy birthday songs and held many cakes of all occasions to enjoy.It hears our dreams as we sit with our cups of coffee warming our hand s and chatting about those dreams we want or we should of persude . The kitchen table is like an old friend that is always there to sit around to comfort our so many thoughts and yes that what I feel as I know it’s my favorite place in the house . The conversations get less and less as we grow and sometimes as I’m sitting here yes with my coffee and staring out my window I can hear the laughing see the tears that have been shed here . .. and I notice a slight carve into the old tattered wood where my kids I couldn’t say which one 🙂 where there’s a pencil marking when I may not have been looking someone tried carving their name or a marker stain and I smile thinking oh this table hasn’t heard the last of the laughter or deep conversations they’ll be more but of a different older time when they come home .. deeper voices .. more confident grown adults looking to enjoy a cup of coffee and a nice conversation.❤️

Anxiety…

Hmmm.. being a mom is such an amazing most beautiful feeling .That first moment whether it’s your 1st 2nd etc amount of children you have that special moment holding them in your arms and them looking up at you is like no other feeling you will ever know and you want to hold on to them and never ever let them go . You will protect them with all your might. There is nothing you wouldn’t do to keep them from hurting or succeeding in life…..but then the teenage yrs come and they turn into a person you know is your child but this attitude this whole new person standing in front of you is not that little girl or boy you held in your arms not that long ago okay well yes very long ago. Many moons ago but to a mom the time is irrelevant You know that little child is in that grown body some where now telling you their fine they got this let me be . Oh but those are words you thought you would never hear or would of taken a little bit longer to get here then it did. Why does time have to fly by so fast .

My mind keeps counting how many months to graduation and my anxiety grows.. every college application every moment waiting for that email or letter in the mail and seeing if they get in or the disappointment on their face when one college has gotten back to them and it’s a not at this time . So you watch them wait for the next . Oh and as the wait goes on you think how one step closer they will be-to starting this journey of life . As a parent a mom that journey also consists of change for us as well … figuring out what we do now when all you really have done has been a stay at home mom ,one because it worked and two because of my disability . ..But still what to do ? So my anxiety is up and flaring and I’m trying to change some things now so it won’t be so hard when he is off. Oh believe me he’s helping this hahaha my son and daughter are not home much my daughter the oldest is here more she has a place downstairs and a steady job and saving up and paying her car off so she is comfortable at the moment with her kitty living here with her . My son the youngest is ready to run . They are so opposite and it’s coming to light so much more now that their older … anyways my son is helping this change he’s usually at practice the gym with friends ,working or hiding out in his room that part is nice 🙂 I must say I’m happy I have this blog it keeps me busy and something to look forward too plus I love my adult coloring and I’m reading more once again . Soon I can spend some time out with my friends and not worry about all the ice and snow . The days are getting longer. As I hope my spouts of anxiety get shorter 🙂

Just that kind of day…

A mild whatever kind of Saturday.. my hubby and his friend stayed busy finishing up the last details on our new barn. My daughter and son spent the day working and it was just Miss Abigail and I walking around the house doing a few things that needed but really didn’t need to be done was just keeping busy since there was no place to be . My hubby and I are now just finishing our take out and my son off to a basketball game with his friends my daughter still working . Nights like this are so expected now I listen to how my sister in-law and her family are all settled in at home watching movies together..I can’t remember the last time my family watched a movie together . Life goes by fast just the way it is . Do I like it … no but not much we can do bad enough that I can’t sleep very well when their out at night especially my 17yr old being a teenager …and he is not good at. Checking in he is getting better though .Any how is been a non productive day ..need those kind of days once in awhile.

Mornings….

Good Morning ! Woke to an empty bed my hubby up early and out hunting , my daughter still sleeping, late night out ughhh hate them makes for a late night for me wondering , need to let go a bit more ….. how? my sons up and I’m trying to catch some time with him before he leaves for work and then whatever he will be doing after that.. in the mean time trying to eat my breakfast and talk and grab things for him because he is running late ..ughh my fork fell into the syrup I swear this poor plate of pancakes has been in 3 different places sense I made them oh don’t you hate when your fork ends up in the syrup and you pick it up and now your fingers are all sticky .. ick nasty feeling , so that’s my morning . The rest of the day will be food shopping , thankfully Christmas shopping is about done . This yr my hubby asked me what do you want he said do not say nothing hahahaha I said actually I do want something he was like really okay tell me I said it’s nothing money can by he looks at me and says I know what it is 🙂 I said I want peace in my head from worrying about things I cannot control . I want a good nights sleep. I want to know I raised my kids right that they have a good happy life after all the over protecting I feel I’ve been as a mother. Yes that’s my list can I have that ? Time will tell .

Thoughts .. 

Laying in bed just put the Adult coloring book down for the night it was nice taking a break from thinking for a bit. Friday was a beautiful night at the fair followed by a relaxed no rush kind of weekend .  Soon it will be time to think about getting some pumpkins for around the house and  some scarecrows .  Decorate for Fall,  crazy that this time  is already upon us . Now to get my kids involved … need to carve pumpkins with them . My daughter will be on board it will  be my son who will take some pushing to agree.  I will get my way  🙂I will post some pics when the time comes. So  I am happy to say it’s so nice to be reunited with my close friend somewhere along the line we let life stray us away from one another and for a time I was afraid we wouldn’t find our way back to one another … there was nothing we couldn’t tell one another  and our kids grew up together especially our two older ones my daughter and her daughter best of friends thankfully they have kept in touch as much as possible being so busy but have done a better job at that then their mothers . I’m so happy we have reconnected it’s so comforting and I have missed our talks so much.  back in the day we could talk a whole day on the phone about just nothing hahaha it was nice now it’s a bit more busier but I treasure our moments to chat even if it’s a  text here and there. Life sure can change the direction of things hopefully we will not let all these changes get in the way off our friendship . Seems like more then ever we need this friendship to get through them. Change  has been such a big part of our world, for so long things  felt like they stayed the same unless we just didn’t see it … I don’t know how all of a sudden it’s just smacked us in the face and it’s our. new norm . New journey whatever we want to call it maybe  it’s just life… yes that’s it . Well me eyes are getting heavy I guess it’s time for some sleep . Goodnight Everyone.

Thinking….

So I believe  the last time I was on was Monday…hmm let’s  see that Is basically two days ago why does it seem so much longer then that…I guess my mind has been occupied , errands appointments and life what does that mean well let’s see keeping things moving along even though you feel like your the only one doing that and everyone else around you is just going to expect that you do  but they  do their own thing and you just want to throw your hands up and say okay I’m on strike …and let  them just deal with supper ..wash not worry if your kids school is falling apart because they don’t it will be fine I quote ..but sadlyyou do .let supper and wash be their thing because hmmm would it get done for you ? Yeah I’m tired of living  like everything  is the same as when we started this family  and it’s not the kids have grown my daughter an adult my son about 17 and everyone including myhubby has grown so why am I feeling like ‘ m in the same spot and go by the same routine  because  is that what mothers still do  when your kids grow up and do this   or is it me ? I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I’m afraid to embrace the change even though I feel I’m ready …does that make since? Hmm still have some thinking to do.