Anxiety…

Hmmm.. being a mom is such an amazing most beautiful feeling .That first moment whether it’s your 1st 2nd etc amount of children you have that special moment holding them in your arms and them looking up at you is like no other feeling you will ever know and you want to hold on to them and never ever let them go . You will protect them with all your might. There is nothing you wouldn’t do to keep them from hurting or succeeding in life…..but then the teenage yrs come and they turn into a person you know is your child but this attitude this whole new person standing in front of you is not that little girl or boy you held in your arms not that long ago okay well yes very long ago. Many moons ago but to a mom the time is irrelevant You know that little child is in that grown body some where now telling you their fine they got this let me be . Oh but those are words you thought you would never hear or would of taken a little bit longer to get here then it did. Why does time have to fly by so fast .

My mind keeps counting how many months to graduation and my anxiety grows.. every college application every moment waiting for that email or letter in the mail and seeing if they get in or the disappointment on their face when one college has gotten back to them and it’s a not at this time . So you watch them wait for the next . Oh and as the wait goes on you think how one step closer they will be-to starting this journey of life . As a parent a mom that journey also consists of change for us as well … figuring out what we do now when all you really have done has been a stay at home mom ,one because it worked and two because of my disability . ..But still what to do ? So my anxiety is up and flaring and I’m trying to change some things now so it won’t be so hard when he is off. Oh believe me he’s helping this hahaha my son and daughter are not home much my daughter the oldest is here more she has a place downstairs and a steady job and saving up and paying her car off so she is comfortable at the moment with her kitty living here with her . My son the youngest is ready to run . They are so opposite and it’s coming to light so much more now that their older … anyways my son is helping this change he’s usually at practice the gym with friends ,working or hiding out in his room that part is nice ūüôā I must say I’m happy I have this blog it keeps me busy and something to look forward too plus I love my adult coloring and I’m reading more once again . Soon I can spend some time out with my friends and not worry about all the ice and snow . The days are getting longer. As I hope my spouts of anxiety get shorter ūüôā

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Just that kind of day…

A mild whatever kind of Saturday.. my hubby and his friend stayed busy finishing up the last details on our new barn. My daughter and son spent the day working and it was just Miss Abigail and I walking around the house doing a few things that needed but really didn’t need to be done was just keeping busy since there was no place to be . My hubby and I are now just finishing our take out and my son off to a basketball game with his friends my daughter still working . Nights like this are so expected now I listen to how my sister in-law and her family are all settled in at home watching movies together..I can’t remember the last time my family watched a movie together . Life goes by fast just the way it is . Do I like it … no but not much we can do bad enough that I can’t sleep very well when their out at night especially my 17yr old being a teenager …and he is not good at. Checking in he is getting better though .Any how is been a non productive day ..need those kind of days once in awhile.

Mornings….

Good Morning ! Woke to an empty bed my hubby up early and out hunting , my daughter still sleeping, late night out ughhh hate them makes for a late night for me wondering , need to let go a bit more ….. how? my sons up and I’m trying to catch some time with him before he leaves for work and then whatever he will be doing after that.. in the mean time trying to eat my breakfast and talk and grab things for him because he is running late ..ughh my fork fell into the syrup I swear this poor plate of pancakes has been in 3 different places sense I made them oh don’t you hate when your fork ends up in the syrup and you pick it up and now your fingers are all sticky .. ick nasty feeling , so that’s my morning . The rest of the day will be food shopping , thankfully Christmas shopping is about done . This yr my hubby asked me what do you want he said do not say nothing hahahaha I said actually I do want something he was like really okay tell me I said it’s nothing money can by he looks at me and says I know what it is ūüôā I said I want peace in my head from worrying about things I cannot control . I want a good nights sleep. I want to know I raised my kids right that they have a good happy life after all the over protecting I feel I’ve been as a mother. Yes that’s my list can I have that ? Time will tell .

Thoughts .. 

Laying in bed just put the Adult coloring book down for the night it was nice taking a break from thinking for a bit. Friday was a beautiful night at the fair followed by a relaxed no rush kind of weekend . ¬†Soon it will be time to think about getting some pumpkins for around the house and ¬†some scarecrows . ¬†Decorate for Fall, ¬†crazy that this time¬† is already upon us . Now to get my kids involved … need to carve pumpkins with them . My daughter will be on board it will ¬†be my son who will take some pushing to agree. ¬†I will get my way ¬†ūüôāI will post some pics when the time comes. So ¬†I am happy to say it’s so nice to be reunited with my close friend somewhere along the line we let life stray us away from one another and for a time I was afraid we wouldn’t find our way back to one another … there was nothing we couldn’t tell one another¬† and our kids grew up together especially our two older ones my daughter and her daughter best of friends thankfully they have kept in touch as much as possible being so busy but have done a better job at that then their mothers . I’m so happy we have reconnected it’s so comforting and I have missed our talks so much. ¬†back in the day we could talk a whole day on the phone about just nothing hahaha it was nice now it’s a bit more busier but I treasure our moments to chat even if it’s a ¬†text here and there. Life sure can change the direction of things hopefully we will not let all these changes get in the way off our friendship . Seems like more then ever we need this friendship to get through them. Change ¬†has been such a big part of our world, for so long things¬† felt like they stayed the same unless we just didn’t see it … I don’t know how all of a sudden it’s just smacked us in the face and it’s our. new norm . New journey whatever we want to call it maybe¬† it’s just life… yes that’s it . Well me eyes are getting heavy I guess it’s time for some sleep . Goodnight Everyone.

Thinking….

So I believe ¬†the last time I was on was Monday…hmm let’s ¬†see that Is basically two days ago why does it seem so much longer then that…I guess my mind has been occupied , errands appointments and life what does that mean well let’s see keeping things moving along even though you feel like your the only one doing that and everyone else around you is just going to expect that you do ¬†but they ¬†do their own thing and you just want to throw your hands up and say okay I’m on strike …and let ¬†them just deal with supper ..wash not worry if your kids school is falling apart because they don’t it will be fine I quote ..but sadlyyou do .let supper and wash be their thing because hmmm would it get done for you ? Yeah I’m tired of living ¬†like everything ¬†is the same as when we started this family ¬†and it’s not the kids have grown my daughter an adult my son about 17 and everyone including myhubby has grown so why am I feeling like ‘ m in the same spot and go by the same routine ¬†because ¬†is that what mothers still do ¬†when your kids grow up and do this ¬† or is it me ? I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I’m afraid to embrace the change even though I feel I’m ready …does that make since? Hmm still have some thinking to do.

The door open the door closes….constantly

Good thing I have many doors to my house,¬† many comings and goings lately and I think more to come. I think it makes the kitty Miss Abigail’s head spin. since my son got his drivers license he is constantly going somewhere well in reason …..and my car as well right now it’s fine I do not have to get out has much¬†¬† in the¬† winter¬† my hip does not like the cold .So my Son does do well grabbing things if I¬† need him to but lately I¬† just go with my husband or daughter.¬† When summer gets here it will be a different story he will need to have his own car. He is loving how he can just go and not have to wait for a ride and my husband and I actually enjoy the break of being a taxi. Never thought we would feel this way ,at first it was a little sad I felt not as needed but now I see he just needs me in a different way moral support, we talk more it’s nice this little boy that I once knew now stands in front of me a¬† nice young man and now with my older daughter I have¬† a whole new insight a new relationship of conversations laughs with them and their friends and yes the comings and goings and¬† can’t forget a lot of quiet nights home with my husband also. Funny how life comes back around and so fast.

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Photo Monday

This is my Monday photo, your probably asking why¬† a high school¬† track?¬† well..as I sit here writing this and enjoying my morning coffee I’m feeling a little sadness anxiety but also happiness for my son¬† being the month of May now…already only a month left of school for the Seniors and a then after that only three weeks left of school for my son .My son¬† who is a sophomore who will miss his is best friends immensely¬† who are seniors . My son and his friends have put so much time patience, endurance, sweat, love on this track and who¬† some may call it their second home. moments of laughter and fun times.¬† I know when the end of the month comes it will be on their minds ..Its not over my son he has 2 more years on these tracks but I am sure it will be a bitter sweet moment when him and his friends start back up in the Fall with out their best buds. Growing up is so hard it is a bitter sweet moment when we get to this point in life where we are ready to move on but sadly look back at what and who we leave behind.

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