Short posts.. a lot going on.

My posts have been short . It’s hard to describe but I’ll try , I’ve been posting everyday ..it’s just I do not feel like I’m really saying anything … I do not feel my heart and my mind is into what I’m posting in the last week or two . I believe my heart and mind is else where . With virus’s going around with my daughter starting it then I and my son leaving in about a week and two days and now finding out he will not be home for Christmas , Thanksgiving we knew he wouldn’t but he was going to come home for Christmas but now with it not being really two weeks off it’s suggested to just stay right on through until end of Feb possibly March . Now I’m having to deal with my husband seeking my attention constantly because he’s thinking so much about it as I am trying to deal with my own feelings plus little spats between my son and I because he thinks I’m mothering him too much …ugh honestly I’m going to miss him but I think him and I need a break from one another. So dealing with a little guilt of how I’m feeling but I know he feels we need a break as well. A lot of emotions running high in our house at the moment. That’s where my heart and mind is. I hope to feel like my heart and mind will be back into this again soon. Until then hope you can bare with me .

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Changes…

This afternoon while in town I notice how the leaves are changing I kind of feel like those leaves, changing myself …. I see the kids on the playground as I drive home and see them running laughing and it’s beautiful so young and free where did the time go … doesn’t seem like it was that long ago I was sitting on the ground with other parents chatting while all our kids played on the playground when School let out . How we would have to finally tell the kids it was time to head home . So we could settle in for the evening with supper , homework , baths and then a little time for some TV before bed. Now my day pretty much is all mine . After things around the house needs to be done , somethings never change . I’m slowly trying to let go of this strange guilt I hold over myself with all this free time to enjoy my soaps a bit more read a bit more chat with friends all day (hahaha) I do not know why I feel guilty doing nothing a bit more except for what I enjoy . My daughter thinks I’m too hard on myself . That I’ve earned this time since there is really no routine I need to follow anymore. I believe she’s right . I guess I’ve always have had been busy and now no so much until I find somethings to do .

Your life…

Good Morning ! Sitting here on my couch  coffee in hand and imensly enjoying it . I’m watching tv and it’s the Today show and they stated what happen to personal choice oh my yes!!! That’s it what happened … I find myself fighting this more and more everyday now that time is becoming my time. We have raised our daughter our youngest is about to be 17 a senior and I’ think my better  half and I have done well or as well as can be . So now I and my hubby can do and go wherever but you know what I honestly don’t want to …. fior myself give me a good book to read a notebook , computer to write , or the stars at night and my comfy deck to enjoy them ,my bed or couch with a warm cozy blanket  and a movie or favorite show on a cold winter night  and I’m happy why when I’ve done my house cleaning and watched my sons track meets and enjoyedmy daughters   chats with a cup of tea or coffee and my hubby and I talk all the time take rides watched tv together be enough? Especially after a long day at work   Why do I  feel guilty why do I feel like we should be doing more why do I feel I have to justify this why do I compare when I honestly know I am happy with this my hubby is as well but why ? A question I ‘m struggling with a lot this year. As society made us feel we have to constantly be doing , going somewhere. Comparing ourselves with others Or is it me ? Any answers anyone?  Would love some help on this.

Mental Illness …..

This is probably going to be the most personal article I write and a long time coming and¬† I feel it’s time to let this go. I decided after I woke up from a dream I had last night that actually gave me a release and I woke up feeling like a lot of weight off my shoulders and heart. I have had this kind of dream before but this was different ..I yelled I cried I spoke my mind with out no guilt …this dream I guess was due. younger brother was born with Cerebral palsy she was confined to a wheelchair. sadly ….it was a good thing because what was to come at the age of 13 was such a bad card dealt to him even more he was diagnose with Bipolar such a hard illness he turned into someone that was nothing like my brother angry violent untrustworthy sly I could go on it was so unbearable my heart breaks for what he was dealt with but it effected all of us in this family watching my parents go through this was so painful I was 17 at the time and I hate to say I hated him..well not him personally but this illness. for yrs he ended in and out of hospitals and finally he was put on med’s and they started working or made him more tolerable but my parent just kept doting on him and he knew it he knew how to work it ..why did they guilt??? love?? I guess but it was not good finally a yr went by and things got better and my parents unfortunately they passed with in a year of one another due to illness my dad first then my mom… I still believe she passed from a broken heart. I took on the care of my brother he moved into our house we built furnished for his disabilities and he was doing great had been on meds for awhile working well I had my two kids all seemed well until one day I started to see the signs my husband too because he had been on this journey as well with me because we had been dating at the time…. so we watched we got a hold of his psychiatrist and he said call the an ambulance and explain to him do not drive him now just let you know my kids where always¬† safe at this time because he was in a separate part of our house and we didnt let them near at the time my daughter was 10 and my son just turning 5. My daughter understood my son new but the biggest give away was when he started to say I am more independent and he was learning we were teaching him but the part when he said I can take care of my pills I can get them and take them but then at the time he also said I have been on them for 10 yrs I doing great I dont think I need them hmmm okay we said ok who said that then the lies came oh my counselor im like okay well will see .I hoped he would let go of that thought and iwas getting busier with my kids so he hired a pca Personel care attendant in which we told him to watch him take his pills well did not know he convinced them he could handle that task …. things went down hill from there so the anger came back the monster came back and off in to the hospital he went with them finding not one trace of meds in him.I was so upset and felt betrayed I gave up a lot we all did by bringing him in our home for him to stop taking them…his promise was if he lived with us he would always stat on those pills …why I had asked he wanted to go back to that ….it was awful he never did come back to our house because of the safety of my kids and I was okay with that the anger I had was horrible … he had one job take those pills. so now my son is 15 daughter 20 and my guilt is gone I did everything I could do he is in a home now and he does not speak to me but Iknow it’s the illness and the dream I had well that I believe was my release to my parents because in that dream I yelled and let out all my anger out and said things I knew I should of said at the time to them. so people do not feel guilty if someone suffers from a mental illness and you can’t help them its such a hard thing and so much more needs to be done with education on this subject for the families. Sometimes you just have to let go…in my case and my husbands we had to for our family.