One day at a time, one thing at a time..

It’s been a very warm humid week . Air conditioners have been working over time. Went out only if I really needed to otherwise I just enjoyed the air conditioners and got a lot done with the help of music piercing down the hall from my sons bedroom. It wasn’t his music but mine. He has the best speakers to hook my phone to. 😂It was nice to listen to my music as loud as I wanted having the house to myself . I was able to drown out all my thoughts that have been occupying my mind…  and get a break from them. This summer has been another learning experience . They have been for the last couple of years. This one is been a bit more . This month I turn 50… wrapping my mind around this is ..has been really hard . I’ve just started to get use to having adult kids and trying to find myself after all these years .I know I have talked about this in recent posts about not being the person I was before kids and now after having them . Yes we do age ..change ..grow up time doesn’t stop but now I’m trying to find contentment in this next chapter. I find myself questioning what I do what I enjoy ,how I spend this time of no more family routine but just being is okay. I tell myself I have done my job raising my kids being the best mother, wife anyone can be. And doing this with a chronic illness . Which when I was raising my family I did not think about it sure I felt the effect of my  health issues but I was occupied I focused on my family. I exceeded more then Imagined . I wasn’t even suppose to be able to have kids especially two of them.  I should take this as a time to now enjoy my books, writing , socializing and I do not mean with other mother’s but my friends . Friends I grew up with. funny thing is I have lost most of those mother’s now we have all gone other ways. I have lost one that was very close to me and I thought even when our kids grew up I would enjoy this next chapter with her…

IMG_8931Life had other plans. I slowed down a bit more which ugh…age does that. and with a chronic illness makes it a bit more challenging. I guess I just couldn’t run with her like she run’s and I do not mean jogging I mean constantly going here there and every where . Did this realization hurt yes. I never wanted this illness to define me it never has until this summer and it hurts. I let her define me by showing me what I cannot do.  and her walking away from me I  am not her problem she has a right to live her life but I thought she respected me enough to know that I still had thought we where still friend… now I have faced yes I am a bit different in ways your health can effect you. My mind feels so young but my body feel so much older….and now add 50 into the mix . Do I know aging is a blessing yes do I know it’s just a number ? yes but this is still  going to be a hard one. Please I am not having a pity party Or want pity just letting my thoughts out Everyone is fighting their own battles and my heart breaks for them .as much as life is beautiful it can be hard…with us all sticking together I think it will make it a lot easier to get through. . ..Thankfully I have found , become great friends on here with someone that has helped me so much and she know’s who she is. I feel so blessed to have found her as I hope she feels the same way about me. She is such a blessing. I am so happy to add her to my short list of close friends . She has reminded me what matters  many times over… and for that I thank her and hope everyone who is fighting their own battles has a person like her in their life like I do. I promise, well will try to have more of an up beat post next time.💖

Advertisements

My new toy!

Today my new toy was delivered . And I am very excited but have a lot to learn since I have been doing most of my blogging on my phone .i bought a Chromebook it’s simple fits me perfect . It’s just learning to navigate. Yesterday I went to post a photo and it stated I didn’t have enough storage so thinking it was my phone I I deleted about 20 pics . Well just realized doing so most of those photos were photos on 20 post on my blog so if you read my posts you may come across no picture ughhh . Come to find out I think it a sign that I need to upgrade . Pay for blogging. So that will be the case soon since I love to post so many pics and videos. I just hope when I upgrade I do not loose all my posts I hope it stays the same . So if you notice no pics this is why 🙄

Anyways so I bought a Chromebook I am loving it like I said a lot to get use to typing on a keyboard. Have to figure how to post a pic on here then delete it on the book so I don’t fill up that space. Also my son gave me a mouse which is nice to use when I’m home with it inside . I love how mini it is. Just enough for me. Thank you to Jinger her blog The intrepid Arkansa she has is helping me so much to figure this out. So thank you Jinger!🙂 so here is my new toy. This blog is being done on my phone until I figure this out a bit more.

Monday…

Once again here we are Monday again . And late afternoon at that .Had a Dr.’s appointment . Routine blood work followup. Then back home to cleanup the house and chatted with my daughter while we did our things.. It’s a rainy cold day … a rude awakening after a beautiful warm sunny weekend. Sitting on the deck with my book or just with my daughter chatting and enjoying the sounds around us was nice. My son went for his interview he said it went well but will see if they call him. Crazy transitioning time for him . All of us … when I think about how busy I was .. we were with little kids running around and having to be some place or another, every minute of the day play dates , school open houses , sport events. ..seems like only yesterday. Busy was nice . I miss it at times.. maybe not the running part I guess I will admit.. but the chaotic parts of friends running in and out of the house . Sleepovers, loud music .. I know all the things I’ve mentioned before on my blog. I guess seeing the transitioning my son is going through brings it all back to me . It was more fun is what I think he is thinking . (hahaha) he was always rushing to grow up and now he is and I think he love to take it back .. well maybe somethings. 🙂 life is not easy it has its up and down moments .. it’s struggles and rewards . But it’s defiantly worth it. The key is just keep moving forward and having faith . I try to tell both my adult kids this . I know they agree but do not want to hear it. When things are on the downside . They will learn . I think we all keep learning no mater how old we are . I know I have had a year of my own transitioning and learning. But like I’ve told my kids keep moving forward that’s what I tell myself . At times it’s slower then it would be fore them but it’s still moving forward..

It’s me !

Hi everyone ! Haven’t blogged for days or maybe it just feels this way ( hahaha) been busy during the morning ,enjoying my coffee outside in the cooler temps and spending here and there time with my kids then evenings spent on the deck with my other half enjoying the stars and the cool refreshing night air. Been trying to learn the knack of meditating and let’s just say it’s not going very well, I am such a thinker so clearing my mind is not going to be easy. I’ve heard how meditating is such a good release . Now to to just be able to do it,I will keep trying . Also I have now started another book . So I’m happy to say I’m back into enjoying reading like I use to. It’s been a very different kind of summer. Learning new things about myself , and learning that change isn’t always a bad thing. and .., yes I do think that way . I’m happy to be connecting more with my older sister as well we have had a past of rough patches for many many years but this summer we have turned a corner and we have been able to get close again . I happy to say this is one of my many changes that have taken place that is so precious to me. I think the timing is perfect , we need each other and it’s great to have her in my kids life and I’m in theirs Life’s a funny twist of events . Some are easy and some so not . When you push through the not so easy it’s so rewarding . It makes anything possible. Well hate to cut this short but it’s getting late and I want to read a bit before getting some sleep , just wanted to let all of you know I’m still posting just it’s been a bit less lately . I’ll be posting more often once I get into my new routine of all my changes . Have a good night everyone!

Learning..

No matter how old we get ,we are always learning . I must say I’m finding that even though my Son has graduated ..the drama with my sons friends parents…not all but most still can’t let go of the drama. I could blame social media but I can’t say it’s to blame … I have met some wonderful people and am happy to call them friends it’s just what you choose to do ,for instance Facebook I have many family members from out of State many local friends and many from a afar from other parts of the world that I love to connect with on Facebook , there’s just a few (locally ) that are a thorn in my side and make me want to shut my account down , these few act like we are still dealing with high school kids and have to get involved okay become nosey and start trouble … my son and I have always had a complicated relationship he never liked me to be that mom who was involved in every school activity , or his friends this was his world and I’m his mom not his friend now we get along much better since his graduation, do we have our moments oh yeah but we are both learning , but a few are so in their kids business it’s horrible , when I get on fb just to catch up with people I enjoy ,this one lady just has 20 questions of course about my son my life what she has what she’s doing what she’s getting I want to write in all upper case I DO NOT CARE! I know karma will bite me… but come on I do not need this . But I am learning , and letting it be okay to ignore change the subject when I get a message from her . So many people have said well just get off of Facebook , no I do not believe that is the answer well not for me. I’m learning just how I want to use it . If that was the case then I would drop every social media site … I love my Twitter all my soap fans are on there and we chat about our soap.I love my instagram because I can share special moment in pictures on it and see other parts of the world with my distant friends. I love my blogging because I can share my feeling my life and I have met some wonderful people that I also would like to call friends. So yes I’m learning how to now be on these sites with no more high school track pics .. no more coffee pics since I do not buy coffee out anymore. 😥 yes a learning experience and new chapter begin and please no drama🙂

Long Day….

A very long mentally exhausting day… moments on the phone dealing with financial aide and figuring out life that isn’t talking about my life but my sons …. yes defiantly something wrong with this picture …. be 17 and you think the world is yours hmm ..and things will just magically happened ….. NOT! ..Oh to be 17 and have your head in the clouds ….help! So yeah it got better towards night time when I’m trying to fix supper and my son in his mood comes home and throws a pkg of Hamburg on the stove to open and cook but the problem is the burner is still on because I’m still using it yeah the house filled with smoke I grabbed it but not fast enough the fire alarms are touchy but yeah there was smoke so they went off screaming through the house having Miss Abigail run for cover, my hubby running around and opening windows as my son stood there doing the blame game with me …oh boy let’s just say that didn’t last long I shut down and just glared when I do.not speak you know I’m done .. he just kept staring at me while we all finally sat at the table eating.. I have still said nothing even in his return from the gym.. I’m in my bed settling my mind or trying .. and flying the defeat flag tonight . Just tonight …

The whys….

Its been a long week and it’s only Monday… going to be a long week until Friday . It’s Feb vacation for school and it’s the vacation I never could understand .. The weather is rainy or snowy but then melts and sadly it’s a week of no money the week before when you get paid every other week …. My son is going out of his mind it’s the evening he came straight home after practice ate and planted himself on his bed in the dark . Im helping him  to a point for necessities but it’s a no pay week for us as well and when your on a budget you do what you have to do.plus he found out his car that we thought was in great condition has some issues so tomorrow it goes to the garage to see how bad even though I’m a bit nervous I told him will deal with it you can use mine ,so not a good time  I know there is worst things in life then no money …car issues again  but  sadly there  are times like this ,been here before its just sad it comes at a time that is not conveniant but when is it?  This generation cannot deal with it . . Back in my day yes things where cheaper , cars fell apart we delt with it we had to get creative to occupy our time with our friends sitting at a friends( even if they picked us up )house watching movies back in my day it was music videos on mtv  and snacks and a bunch of laughs when we had no money . This day in age it’s go out to eat go to the movies eat out oh did I just say that hahahaha yes I know I did but this is all they know what to do….so frustrating  let’s see my son is home in his room laying there on his bed with phone in hand looking like he lost his best friend.. I ask him where are his friend home ok and this friend home hmm so their all sitting at home because no Money  so I to say to him cheer up soon you will get paid  we all have days months like this I told him sadly look at the alternative as my gaze goes to the nightly news talking about the school shooting and so heartbreaking families burying thier  love ones such an unfair tragedy . My son looks at the tv and says I know I understand believe  me. I know he does know life is more about money but sadly our minds are programmed that money makes us happy ….ok yes it does  it makes things easier to a point but it’s also a nuisance when we don’t have any it sets our mood …just so wrong we know life is much more then that.

I go into his room and  suggest ask a friend to spend the night he says to me I’m okay I’ll be fine now this is different usually he would bark at me  but he says it  nicly I say do you have a book you need to read for school read it take your mind off things he smirks at me I should know who I’m talking too that would be what my daughter would do not him haha and then I see his phone light up he smiles , laughs and I pat him on his arm and walk out of the room he looks at me say what was that for . I just smile back and say I’m happy I see a smile on your face.even though it was technology  helping him connect to a friend . Now if we can just focus on the positive now I’m smirking ME positive hmm not a trait I do well, sadly when  Life and it’s moments have made me this way  it’s not always what we asked for and I have learned this along time ago and more in the past year and it’s just really hard and I’m not talking about money ..life is hard it’s just trying to find the way through it  .. To the beautiful part of it as well..and there is a lot of beautiful moments it’s just with everything that has happened and the world filled with so much more of worrysome things that just prooves to us shows us  not to take anyone or anything for granted .  Be grateful and take life one day at a time is how I get through it❤️