Puzzling…

Friday morning woke from a dream that felt so real. I know we all have had that kind of dream. This though, was a dream like I have never had. It was so peaceful. Comforting. And felt so much love. I would say the rest, but you wouldn’t believe it. I’ll leave it at that . It was something so spiritual if that even describes it. And the rest of the day seems to follow suit in signs oh so many signs. A cardinal was appearing right in front of where my sister and I where parked on a bush while we’re talking about our parents that had passed many yrs ago. And then as fast as it appeared, it disappeared just wanting to show it’s presence. The day as I stated still followed with more signs. We went into a store that my sister had been In more than I could count, and I had never been in. It was like an indoor tag sale and antiques shop. This place was wall to wall stocked with everything you could ever imagine. I chuckled and stated that I would love to come upon an old fashioned stainless steel made meat grinder that back in the day you would clamp onto your counter and put whatever meat in it to hand spin the meat for sandwiches. I believe it’s could possibly be an antique. As a kid, I loved watching my mother use it. My sister agreed it would be something to find. As we browsed, I happened to look down at the same time as she did at this tin pail holding random items, and there was where we spotted the meat grinder And the look on our face. well, you could imagine was priceless. she reached down and grabbed it and said of all the things there was no price tag on it everything in the place has a tag on it and some things were so expensive I could only imagine. I asked the lady working, and she was like oh well that’s different and throughout a random amount. 5.00 dollars, all I could say was okay. Thinking though this was worth so much more. We left after that quickly.. She invited me to stay over her house and bake with her and her daughter and yes, drink coffee. She loved her coffee as well it’s a family thing. We stopped by my house so I could grab my things and off we went to her house that is our family homstead. So always going to her house is like going home again. She has redone it, and it looks beautiful, but it’s still home always will be. The three of us had a bunch of laughs and enjoyed homemade m&m cookies and coffee. Yes, I cheated on my diet, but so worth it. We stayed up way past midnight chatting . The day was absolutely amazing. There was many more signs and moments of discoveries . That proofed that our parents were still around us watching over us. Another time for that . When I post my meat grinder. I will say a lot I have discovered about my family and this thing called life and death . and even though someone has passed and we cannot see them . We can at least feel them if you open your heart and mind to it . Your heart is the easy part their your love ones . Wrapping your mind around it is another thing. For me both is easy for I feel very sensitive to this. It’s unbelievable but beautiful.

Living..

Life is amazing, beautiful. A gift. Yes we know this we have heard this many times over. Just look around look at the beautiful flowers that grow wild in a field of green . The sound of the birds as they call out to one another. The bright beautiful warming sun through out the day the big blue endless sky. The sound of bees as they buzz by you . The sound of the wind as it blows the trees gently . The tickle cross your face as the wind touches it. Then the night , the silence of it . Maybe a distant sound of an animal rustling through the woods as the leaves and branches crunch and snap under their paws. The stars diamond the sky . All such a wonder . But then there’s the days where the sky opens up and the rain pours down . The sky is filled with endless clouds . The warmth is replaced by cold that burns the skin . The wind blows like a tantrum . The stars do not shine. The world is dark. Yes life as it’s bright it is dark. As human beings we discover both the bright days and the dark . At times and we may feel the dark days more then the bright. No laughter but tears . We may hear the endless negative thought echoing in our heads. We may feel weak . At a loss a dark cloud hanging over us and we may not know why . The feeling we experience may be of such dispare that we cannot find our way back to the light. Instead we fall more deeper into the darkness and pulling ourself up is to tiring to sad we think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to leave all this behind . To let go. Maybe feel free from all the pain that surrounds your body and mind. It seems like a easy pass out of this world . Why not..

Let’s see you are a beautiful human being someone’s child , daughter , son , sister, brother , mother , father, aunt , uncle …. you! A beautiful person brought into this world to live , embrace life’s mystery. To laugh. love be loved . Someone’s hero , someone’s happiness, someone’s light. Someone who brings more happiness into this world by just being you , yes flaws and all. No ones perfect. No one expects you to be . And if they do then there not for you. We all have our own journey in this world . No one said it would be easy we can’t see rainbows all the time . Life comes with many ups and downs. But it’s so worth it . It’s worth fighting for. It’s worth pushing through . If you feel this way please seek help . Find someone to talk to . Tell them how you feel let them listen . Let them know. No shame in feeling this way . Life can push us to far at times but there is always someone who is willing to listen to help . Let them. Because you are so worth it . You are special not only because you are you but also because you are special to someone also who wants to see that smile hear that laugh to feel that love you still have so much to give. ❤️

This is for the ones that I know that have lost their life to suicide or have thought about it, and who suffer from depression…😞

Fading…

I see you in my dreams I see your deep blue eyes staring at me through this dream they pull me to you you a connection binding us as one That I feel you in my soul , my heart feels you with every beat it takes . My body feels your energy all around me . I feel your strength and it makes me feel stronger. I long for your touch but when I reach for you ..your deep blue eyes fade they get farther and farther away .. no don’t go way , come back … I need you . Please do not let this connection break . Please come back… I wake and your gone.. as dreams fades but I know your real. You have to be real..

Memorial Day ..not the Same…

Outside my door the winds have calmed the storms have passed ..for now. Settled in last night with my new book . After about 45 mins later I put my book down and shut the light off. It wasn’t that the book wasn’t good it was . I just wanted to lay there in the darkness and watch the flash of the lighting and hear the roll of the thunder . Love nighttime storms. As the storm came through flashing shadows on my wall I laid there taking it in thinking about the Memorial Day weekend approaching .. like everything things change. I know a part of life. Even if I wanted time to to stop it would not ..even for a moment . Even laying there watching the storm was different… my daughter at some friends house . My son tired from work in bed as well as my hubby just I watching it .No kids running into the bedroom or sitting in our living room watching counting between the lightening flashes. Just I … As this Memorial Day approaches this will not be the same as well. Yes they’ll be a cookout ,bonfire on one of the days but less around the fire. but our hearts with them . No friends sleeping over , no sleeping out in a tent and being waken by kids running in as fast as they can to sleep on the living room floor because they heard something in the woods. No movie nights with buckets of popcorn and wide eyed kids as they watched .No just my hubby and I watching a movie , or sitting and watching the stars , taking a ride . As our door swings open and close as my kids come and go from work. I will embrace this change and then the next one and the next one. But for now I will embrace this moment . with a smile on my face and also a tear in my eye.

Once again …

Once again it’s the weekend . To me it’s another day okay that did not come out right, having the chronic disability I have has its moments of disappear For example today the sun is shining and my mind feels like it could run miles but my hip says otherwise … it’s hurting today more with the temps changing . My hubby went grocery shopping for me ,thankfully . I know I should be happy I do not have to do it but instead I feel not useful ,weak I hate this feeling . I know that the things I can do I should be thankful for I’m here I’m with my family I can cook for them I can talk with them but when they go off and do something as simple as a hike or my sons meets  or an all day shopping day with my daughter where I can not stand for long or walk for long periods of time is so frustrating . I know they understand but it’s hard and soon my kids won’t need me to cook for them or need laundry done  it’s already has been less  well my daughter does her own  and  my son does it on occasions ,  I know all good how it should be it just lets me feel useful .crazy thinking …I know.

My hubby is going through is own changes he is going to be 50 in April and is dreading it , to me age is just a number . I know he is thinking of his dad who will not be here for it since his passing this past August. He would just love to forget that day , So more then ever he is wanting to keep moving keep busy running hiking and sadly the things I can’t do with him and when the track meets and football games are over he will not know what to do with himself  even more .  I’m hoping to get up to Maine with him and sit on the beach , eat out at our favorite spots there ,  do more with just the two of us why not we sit home at night with each other  hahaha  we where going to go to the drive – ins last summer just the two of us but every time we had the chance they where showing a kid movie ,   Of course. Will play it by ear one day at a time for now to get through this winter and its ever changing weather . I have always been a reader Over the last several yrs I have not been as avid but now with more free time I’m picking it back up  and have a list of books I want to read . My hubby is not a reader . When it’s time to relax for the night it’s watching tv and then he falls asleep .. I love the adult coloring books , my daughter got me interested in them when she bought me my first book and now I’m hooked . I have several now. On nights  my

hubby falls asleep or I can’t sleep I read or color. My daughter laughs at me when I show here the finish page she will and I quote her “so you couldn’t sleep last night ”  🙂 Or how long did you wait up for Seth . Yeah she’s got my number 🙂  Getting back to the subject it’s hard when you want to do something but you can’t oh I could try but I know I will pay for it for days .there are things that are worth the pain but all in all its hard when your mind feels young but your body feels old.