Fading…

I see you in my dreams I see your deep blue eyes staring at me through this dream they pull me to you you a connection binding us as one That I feel you in my soul , my heart feels you with every beat it takes . My body feels your energy all around me . I feel your strength and it makes me feel stronger. I long for your touch but when I reach for you ..your deep blue eyes fade they get farther and farther away .. no don’t go way , come back … I need you . Please do not let this connection break . Please come back… I wake and your gone.. as dreams fades but I know your real. You have to be real..

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Memorial Day ..not the Same…

Outside my door the winds have calmed the storms have passed ..for now. Settled in last night with my new book . After about 45 mins later I put my book down and shut the light off. It wasn’t that the book wasn’t good it was . I just wanted to lay there in the darkness and watch the flash of the lighting and hear the roll of the thunder . Love nighttime storms. As the storm came through flashing shadows on my wall I laid there taking it in thinking about the Memorial Day weekend approaching .. like everything things change. I know a part of life. Even if I wanted time to to stop it would not ..even for a moment . Even laying there watching the storm was different… my daughter at some friends house . My son tired from work in bed as well as my hubby just I watching it .No kids running into the bedroom or sitting in our living room watching counting between the lightening flashes. Just I … As this Memorial Day approaches this will not be the same as well. Yes they’ll be a cookout ,bonfire on one of the days but less around the fire. but our hearts with them . No friends sleeping over , no sleeping out in a tent and being waken by kids running in as fast as they can to sleep on the living room floor because they heard something in the woods. No movie nights with buckets of popcorn and wide eyed kids as they watched .No just my hubby and I watching a movie , or sitting and watching the stars , taking a ride . As our door swings open and close as my kids come and go from work. I will embrace this change and then the next one and the next one. But for now I will embrace this moment . with a smile on my face and also a tear in my eye.

Once again …

Once again it’s the weekend . To me it’s another day okay that did not come out right, having the chronic disability I have has its moments of disappear For example today the sun is shining and my mind feels like it could run miles but my hip says otherwise … it’s hurting today more with the temps changing . My hubby went grocery shopping for me ,thankfully . I know I should be happy I do not have to do it but instead I feel not useful ,weak I hate this feeling . I know that the things I can do I should be thankful for I’m here I’m with my family I can cook for them I can talk with them but when they go off and do something as simple as a hike or my sons meets  or an all day shopping day with my daughter where I can not stand for long or walk for long periods of time is so frustrating . I know they understand but it’s hard and soon my kids won’t need me to cook for them or need laundry done  it’s already has been less  well my daughter does her own  and  my son does it on occasions ,  I know all good how it should be it just lets me feel useful .crazy thinking …I know.

My hubby is going through is own changes he is going to be 50 in April and is dreading it , to me age is just a number . I know he is thinking of his dad who will not be here for it since his passing this past August. He would just love to forget that day , So more then ever he is wanting to keep moving keep busy running hiking and sadly the things I can’t do with him and when the track meets and football games are over he will not know what to do with himself  even more .  I’m hoping to get up to Maine with him and sit on the beach , eat out at our favorite spots there ,  do more with just the two of us why not we sit home at night with each other  hahaha  we where going to go to the drive – ins last summer just the two of us but every time we had the chance they where showing a kid movie ,   Of course. Will play it by ear one day at a time for now to get through this winter and its ever changing weather . I have always been a reader Over the last several yrs I have not been as avid but now with more free time I’m picking it back up  and have a list of books I want to read . My hubby is not a reader . When it’s time to relax for the night it’s watching tv and then he falls asleep .. I love the adult coloring books , my daughter got me interested in them when she bought me my first book and now I’m hooked . I have several now. On nights  my

hubby falls asleep or I can’t sleep I read or color. My daughter laughs at me when I show here the finish page she will and I quote her “so you couldn’t sleep last night ”  🙂 Or how long did you wait up for Seth . Yeah she’s got my number 🙂  Getting back to the subject it’s hard when you want to do something but you can’t oh I could try but I know I will pay for it for days .there are things that are worth the pain but all in all its hard when your mind feels young but your body feels old.