Sigh…

Oh it’s just seems like everything is a downward spiral… so not me I’m usually such a happy person. Yes I know we all have our moments, it just seems like it’s been something every day …. and it’s getting a bit tiring . I do not like feeling this way. I feel like I’m being pulled in many directions and it’s all in the directions I do not want to go …I try to do my best with helping family and others . But after awhile it can mentally exhaust you. I won’t go in to detail … it just needs to change and I just need a break from it.

On another note sadly we lost a beautiful young women today her and her family well known in our small town . She has struggled with cystic fibrosis her whole life after a couple years ago after having two lung transplants and her body rejecting them she was told she wouldn’t live to or pass the age of 25 . She passed today at the age of 26 … she suffered severely but always had a brave loving heart a strong will and a very big beautiful smile. She believed she wouldn’t beat the odds and so she lived her life to the fullest enjoying her family her pets her friends and raising money for her disease through many walking benefits even when she could only walk half way down the road. With the help of her loving guide dog . She made sure that everyday of her life on this earth was beautiful. And worth fighting for. So now she is at peace and the heavens have gained a beautiful angel. ❤️

I hope everyone has a good night and takes a moment to count their blessings and lives their life with love and happiness .

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Monday..

  • Woke early after a good nights sleep surprising ! ( hahaha) I’m not known for a good nights sleep. Or getting to bed around 11 but I believe after the sad news all weekend I was mentally exhausted.. Today was nice I took it in strive. I jumped in the shower then grabbed some coffee and enjoyed while I watched the Wendy Show. House was mine once again everyone out at work and my daughter shopping . I enjoyed . Did the things that needed to be done around the house. When my son arrived home with my car ….( soon my car will be mine ) I left and went and grabbed our mail and yes I turned up the radio and enjoyed my music. Love this moment took a ride before doing what I came to do . It was nice and well needed.. it clears my mind . When I realized after taking the ride and getting what I came for 2 1/2 hrs had passed . My son needed my car for his second job but I had known that so I was back in time but why did I feel guilty ? I do not know why I do this to myself …my son was fine he actually asked if I had a nice drive because he knows I took a drive … he knows me well. I guess just being so busy for so long and constantly thinking of your families needs you tend to forget about your own and then when you get this time the guilt sets in.. a very vicious cycle. I do know if other Mothers feel this way but sadly I do.. still need to work on this. See we always are learning something at any age..

And the weekend is over!

The cake we shared , yes a lot of pink but my son did say for me to pick the colors.. pink for me ,blue for him..,It’s Sunday at 9:00 at night. Mine and my sons birthday weekend has come to an end .. Saturday on mine we went out for dinner , had a lot of laughs good food , nice and simple my family gave me some really nice gifts I loved them but most important love my family more. It was nice to have both of my kids present . A rarity these days. Then today was my son birthday we celebrated his day with extend family, pizza and cake and ice cream and a fire in the fire pit. After many hours enjoying, family left and we cleaned up and settled in for the routine of the new week ahead. Over and over family members asked how does it feel to be 50?…hmm what kind of a question to ask.. I really couldn’t answer it . One in my mind I feel more like 20 but my body feels much older. Honestly I really do not know if I will ever wrap my mind around it. My son was quiet . He usually loves his birthday. Oh he is so humble .. He acts so much older then 19. I must say he has said a lot of I love you’s to me this weekend. I wonder if he feels my vibe of me not liking this age of mine… even though I tried to stay upbeat about it. Now all have settled in bed early my hubby needed to be up at 4 for work and my son heading to the gym early in the morning . My daughter settling down in her place with Miss Abigail and a friend. I’m just sitting in the living room been off and on reading my book. Taking a break for a moment to figure out what I have read. This Stephen King book has so many twists to it . I haven’t gave up on it yet…Kind of like a fly being drawn to a spider web . (Haha ) hesitant to finish it but your drawn to it to see where this story ends. Stephen King has a way of doing that. It’s nice any way even if I’m not totally into it . The quietness is welcoming. I feel exhausted but emotionally exhausted. Happy this weekend of celebration is over . My day not my sons.

Now on to a new week . Not much planned it will be relaxed. Monday I will spend the day with my daughter . But other then that not much planned. Fine with me tho. I like easy weeks. Well time to read a bit more until I call it a night. 🙂

First day of summer!

It’s the first day of summer. I woke refresh after the night before not getting much sleep . Took a quick shower then enjoyed my coffee while talking with my son .. well I was talking he was busy on his new laptop he purchased for college in the Fall. A bit later my daughter and I headed out grabbed some coffee her first my second of the morning. Then checked out prices on tires for my car and a stop at the appliance store to purchase an air conditioner for our living room . We have them in the bedrooms but the living room and kitchen gets unbearable so bought a small one that should do the job. Paid some bills and headed home. Cleaned up the house as I heard my son leave on his motorcycle and my daughter with her boyfriend , I turned up the stereo and got lost in the music as I cleaned .. thankfully no one was home as I love to sing 🙂 the humidity cleared and the night is cool so I made chocolate chip cookie bars as my hubby enjoys the baseball game.

Now let me just say this was a different first day of summer for me. In the past it would start off with my kids begging to get to the community pool so making up sandwiches to bring and a lot of water . Pile towels into the car and off we go take in the sun the friends until it was time to call it a day and get home to cookout for dinner and a movie together till bed. Aww how I miss those days. Weekend nights at the drive-ins , ice cream rides, still have bonfires even as time went by it would be the start of kids driving .. so the door to our house opening and shutting …well more like slamming more then I can count . Kids friends hanging out outside or in their room music echoing from my sons bedroom walls And sound of giggling girls from my daughters room . To quietness of them falling to sleep or leaving. Then last year it changed it became a bit quieter my youngest graduating from high school as yrs before my daughter. My daughter with her boyfriend on days off from work or with friends . My son with friends .. and hubby and I having more bonfires with the rest of our family members .Saturday suppers out to different eatery’s , daytime car rides the two of us , occasional outings for a coffee run with my daughter all the things that become the new or I should say start of the next journey of life after kids . My son enlisting in The Army National Guard so that meant he had to be on his best behavior doing training at nearby base until heading to Missouri in the Fall. Less running here and there and everywhere .

This first day of summer as you see is no different then last summer a bit more quieter my son working until 10 then going out with friends will be asleep by the time him and my daughter arrive home. Now just the baseball game and the smell of fresh baked cookies. For my hubby and I . Miss Abigail having a treat of being with hubby and I tonight roaming to one window to the next looking out to the dark summer night . . Did capture this guy as it was getting dark heading off to settle for the night . Now going to read my book until I fall asleep . Happy First day of summer everyone 🙂

Weekends beautiful site..

Just before dusk started to settle in my hubby and I decided to settle in the bedroom where it was a bit cooler. I with my book and him with the TV . We were closing things up and out our kitchen slider leading to the back woods there strolled a beautiful animal. So graceful as she walked . Sleek posture she held as she took in her surroundings. Making sure she was safe. As she looked for food. We just watched her keeping silent so she knew nothing was going to harm her . In time she walked deeper into our woods to settle in for the night.

Morning coffee ..

The sky is a light pretty blue and the sun is shining at the moment . The birds are all around as the bubble bee that keeps buzzing around my head . I take in the strong brewed taste of the coffee just how my husband likes to make it. Sipping it as I reflect on the day before… on the conversation with my son in the late night hours , and wondering why I had felt the unease feeling . It lingered with me all through out the day .I passed it off as over thinking that I am so good at. Then my kids came home from work one after another. My daughter first happy a bit talkative as she was getting ready to settle down in her place with a friend and Miss Abigail . Then my son arrived home hours later, tired but talkative my husband staying up listening to him chat away until his eyes became to heavy to stay open and said his goodnights. Then there it was just my son and I and his tone got quieter and more serious and then I knew what that uneasiness that lingered around me all day was.

My son talked about college in the Fall , how he was excited but was thinking oh .. no I thought thinking he is as good at that as I . I just sat quietly listening knowing what was coming next. He stated he wanted to go but dorming was going to feel strange . He felt too old that all the child’s play of being a college student living in a dorm was going to feel off . He felt that he should of gone to college first then Army . Or just had gone to college and not dormed. I had this feeling as well . Since his arrival home from Basic he has become so matured ..done things that others not in the Army have experienced and it’s quieted him , humbled him. I see him as this man now not the loud child’s play 18 yr old he was before Basic. That is what he is worried about . He said he feels so much older laid back that he’s going to feel out of place. Oh I knew this all before he did this step but the one thing that hasn’t changed and I know never will is his impulsiveness . That is the trait that bites him every time. So I listened I talked to him about other alternatives …But it led back to what was more convenient , yes he will only be a little over 45minutes away but back and forth the gas and mileage on the vehicle would get too much . Days of snow another issue . We talked about trying to bunch his classes to so many days a week but the major is impossible to do that. It came down to going to this orientation in two weeks and see how it feels ..meet his roommate and go from there. I only hope he doesn’t make another impulsive u turn but if he does it’s his choice and I can only guide him and be there for him to talk. It was after mid night so we called it a night . I laid in bed and felt that uneasiness lift a bit. It still amazes me how I can be so in-tune to my kids feelings , thoughts. I have manage to grab another cup of coffee as I wrote this and my son came out on the deck and sat with his coffee and phone in hand and us not saying much but that was okay we were in our own mind set and taking in the morning surroundings, we said what we needed last night . 🙂