Moments ,memories..

It was a rainy day, and a good day for a hot cup of tea and listen to @Dr.andrea Dinardo’ video on her beautiful blog. and now an icy night. So dislike these days in the winter. Happy though that the day before was spent out and about with the sun shining bright. And a night out with my sister and her friend’s watching my niece sing at her high school winter concert. and then grabbing a bite out and many laughs and good conversation. I always have such a good time with my sister. I must say signs are still upon me. While I was looking out the window from my bedroom, enjoying the sun shining in taking in its warmth, a cardinal landed on the tree branch facing the window. It seemed to be looking in my direction but in not positive it was looking at me. Then as fast as it appeared it was gone. It did make me smile.and wonder what more surprises would arise throughout the day . I did get a message from a friend of my dad that I had been waiting for for weeks a reply back. So that was interesting. I haven’t talked In yrs with this person but hope he had some answers to some questions I had. So the timing of the cardinal and message was something. Coincidence no, no such thing. After that day I fell asleep at 10:30 so not typical of me. And it wasn’t due to a lack of coffee . I must be getting a high tolerance . So tonight on this icy night I’m cozied up on the couch and watching my favorite Friday night show Long Island Medium. I love that women. I find her fascinating . My friend and I want to go see her .. I know it sounds strange but it’s something we want to do . Tickets are actually not a bad price. We would really love to go to her house. But there is a long waiting list. Any way at least I can enjoy her show on Friday nights . The rain is still coming down but the temps are rising so the icing should stop soon . That’s a good thing. Will be headed out in the morning with my sister to get some Christmas shopping done and yes enjoy some coffee. For now going to sit back and enjoy my show. ๐Ÿ™‚

Holdays..

The holidays are arriving soon faster than we can wrap our thoughts around them. As each year of holidays come there, a bit different. Something has always changed. Whether it’s the kids, have grown, and now are spending them elsewhere. Or we have a loved one who has passed, and their missing presence is always there in your thoughts, then there is possibly a separation in a relationship, and the family dynamic is changed. Whatever it may be. It’s a hardship that pulls on the heartstrings for some of these things there brought more frontward into our thoughts and is felt much more deeply. And yes, it hurts so much. The thing is Holidays. They are going to come every year whether we enjoy them or not. And we have to need to find new traditions if you want to call it that. I prefer a new way of finding a way to get through them and to enjoy them. To accept what is and make new memories doesn’t mean you have to forget the other memories. You won’t. They’re locked away in your heart forever. Life has a way of pushing us to keep moving forward. To live with this thing called a new normal. It’s our way of coping excepting, especially if we have loved ones we need to be happy for. To help them as well to get through. I know for myself. A lot has changed over the years, and it will never be like it used to, and holidays do not have the same feeling. But they do have a new meaning to me. And it’s just that it’s one day and I feel that how we treat this day and the people that will be with us we should treat no different than any other day. We should love respect, them as always. Yes, we all have bad days, and words get spoken that is not very nice at times, but we are human, and it’s a part of life. So what I ask whoever is having a hard time with the holidays coming. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Let the day come embrace it. Except it for what it is. Just keep moving forward.

Friday friend night..

Friday came with the rain gently hitting the window. Happy it wasn’t snow. Sadly I know it will happen. Thursday night, my friend texted me and asked if I would like to get together with her on Friday night? Very spontaneous for us because she is a planner. We enjoyed dinner out at one of our favorite places. The restaurant was busy, but we were able to stay seated for a little over an hour. We are regulars. We think they like to see how many times they will fill my coffee cup. (haha) Yes, no alcohol for us. Coffee and water are my poison. Water with lemon is hers. We have such great conversations and laughs that it’s not needed. We decided it was time to give up the booth; either of us was ready to call it a night. So we decided to get in my car and take a drive so we could chat a bit longer. We manage to talk and laugh for 5 hours. This dinner started at five ๐Ÿ˜Š spontaneous was such a good thing to do. Now we have decided it would be a good idea to get together whenever. We both know there will be days where we will have to plan. But have realized that this is going to be our new regular on our new journey of this chapter of our life.

This whole parent thing is so changeable. We start first with just going out drinking, dancing. Working, no taking care of children to then having that responsibility and it consuming us. That if you do not pay attention to it, you can lose sight of so many other essential things as well. We tend not to imagine our Children growing and living their own lives. Then when this day comes, we tend to be shell shocked. And we are finding a way out of the rabbit hole to ourselves, once. Again and for some, this is comfortable others like my friend and me no. It is a learning experience. We are finding out so many new and similar things about one another; it’s quite interesting. I do know it will be an exciting and memorable time for us.

Why not….

I woke from a dream thinking the ground was covered in white. Sweet thing about that dream .. it was wrong . ๐Ÿ™‚ not ready I do not think I’ll ever be ready but it will be here shortly. The weekend forecast it looking brutally cold. You will find me reading blogging and under my cozy blanket with cups of steamy coffee and tea, if the sun is out and bright I may venture out though. Have to have my sun.

No snow but tons and tons of rain . I can handle the rain. My daughter and I went to some appointments and then a coffee stop. We stopped in to the cell phone store. Sadly this morning she woke to her cell not turning back on. Let’s see it’s 5 yrs old so she has done well with it . The phone really doesn’t exist anymore. She got onto a cell phone plan .Not a bad deal for the newest iPhone. She couldn’t resist . The deal yes was that good. And I told her to go for it . She has never asked or wanted much . She has a heart of gold that gets used way too much . And with her depression I felt she deserved a little happiness even if it’s a materialistic one. I told her I would help her I paid the tax and start up fee plus a case she definitely needed . It’s basically part of Christmas gift . She loves her phone and out of all of us she had the oldest phone. The look on her face when they brought out the phones to pick a color she would like was priceless. I wanted to cry. I know … I’m such a crier… but oh her face lit up . It’s not often I see her face light up like that.

Now it’s 10:30 at night I’m settled on the couch everyone’s in bed as usual except me. To early for me. My son will be home as of tomorrow for the long holiday weekend from college . He will come In like a hurricane and leave like a hurricane. Maybe….. he will get some catch up sleep . Doesn’t sleep well in his dorm. Well how appropriate on the country station I’m softly listening to , Martina McBride’s song My Daughters Eyes is playing . Here I go again tearing up. Okay that’s over … so now to try some more of the audiobook I started . I’ll settle under my blanket a bit more and listen to it . Let’s see if I fall asleep to it again. Lol. I’ll let you know tomorrow.

Silence…

It’s a quiet Sunday night darkness is already upon us has been for hours now. I’m wrapped in a blanket cozy upon my couch with a warm cup of coffee in hand. The silence is deafening making the the thoughts in my head a bit noisier . Im trying to embrace this moment but there is too many should of’s going through my thoughts. I know pointless.. or are they? Can we find answers from should of’s or only regrets? I do not like regrets . But my mind does wander there as well . I’m always telling my kids never regret . But then here I am . Oh we can be our own worse enemy at times . Off and on I hear the sound of the heat click on or a distant sound of the train near by .I wonder how many times a train goes by without even knowing until it’s silent then I hear it every time. The sound of it whistle echoing through the cold dark night. It’s silly but I always find it comforting. For a minute it’s sound takes me away from my thoughts. Yes a Moment of peace. I close my eyes and I take a deep breath in then out . And I do it all over again . My thoughts are so close to the surface with every beat of my heart. It’s the thought that touch your heart that are a bit more complicated ..For another day I think I will visit those thoughts for now I will just sip on my coffee feel its warmth and listen for another train to roll on by.

Night..

I lay covered up in a cozy blanket upon the couch it’s 10 at night but my thoughts are not ready yet to settle for the night . So upon this couch with only the shadow of light from the TV as music plays quietly relaxing me . It’s country music tonight. As I close my eyes and let the music take me away I can hear in the distance the sound of a train whistle blowing and the rumbling of its engine. Rolling along the endless tracks to its destination . It’s a comforting sound in the darkness . I pull the blanket closer to my face the softness of the blanket rests against my cheek. Something about the night. It’s quietness and peacefulness relaxes me but then there’s those nights it makes me feel alive. And the world is not what it is . All societies woes disappear for a bit and life seems as simple as it once was. And I take in this moment and hold on tight this beautiful feeling as I know it’s as ever changing as the oceans tides.

The things I do ..

It was a lazy start to the Monday. Woke from a dream which I wish I could remember . It must have been something of a sort to have me wanting to remember I guess the feeling I had when I woke was the reason. Grabbed a quick shower and then off to the kitchen for some much needed coffee.. oh my poison.. I only had one cup. Surprised? Don’t be because I knew my daughter and I were heading out to food shop and I knew we would stop for coffee always a given. After food shopping was finished the sun decided to show itself so I was fueled up with caffeine and wanted to be out. So we took a ride. As of today it’s 3 yrs that a child lost her life to a bus accident in our community. 9 yrs old her knapsack strap was caught in the door of the the bus . Negligence of the bus driver who shut the door too soon and not realizing she was trapped as he took drove off to his next stop the rest is self explained๐Ÿ˜ฅ this little girl will never be forgotten . She was so precious. I felt it was only fitting to go to the cemetery and think about her visit with her. . My daughter and I have this thing about cemetery’s . We find them peaceful and we use to go a bit more then we do . She went with me today . And we said a prayer for the precious child. My daughter said to me ” I know we do not come here much and I know you like to . I was quiet for a moment. And then started to drive .I stopped at the beautiful fountain that’s sits in the beginning of the entrance guarded by a medal design fence. She looked at me and said ” oh why have we stopped here. I told her this is where I park when I come by myself to find some peace and to collect my thoughts and yes to be by myself , no one would think except for her and a close friend that this is where you could find me if needed. I just love to listen to the fountain bubbling and have some soft music playing quietly in the car . And yes I let my thoughts drift. It’s really a nice feeling . Comforting .. yes I said it and this is a person afraid of death. I guess it’s more about the unknown of it. So yes this is where we sat for a bit and talked . It was nice. And well needed. So have I made you think of me differently now? Some would be a bit standoffish by this. We all have a place where we find comfort. And yes this is mine.