I have been MIA..

It’s only been 3 days since I have posted but it seems so much longer than that but when your feeling under the weather the last 3 days it feels like a lifetime. I have been fighting or trying to fight what was coming on for about a week now. And Thursday night I had no choice but to surrender. , I have been off and on the couch through the day then by 4 in the afternoon, I spiral down and then Tylenol, tea Chromebook, and the couch become my best friends oh I can’t forget my country music softly playing in the background. It’s been relaxing falling to sleep to it. It occupies my mind from the discomfort of body aches I chuckle when I’m laying here in the dark falling asleep to it because it brings back a youthful moment in life when I was a teenager back home in my bedroom in the dark with my stereo playing love songs or rock music and feeling less weight on my shoulders life was simple no worries no thoughts running endlessly through my mind making my shoulders feel the weight they feel on them now. So even feeling under the weather I believe it’s given me a mental break of reflecting back to some moments that were comforting and no answers to look for. Just music and drifting off into a deep dream sleep. January is a hard month even though it’s been 24 yrs that my dad passed I still remember that dreadful time and day he said goodbye to me. You do not forget something like that. And with all the changes my life, myself have been going through I wish he was here to give me the answers to the questions I have. So these moments of youthfulness just listening to music while I sleep is so soothing.

Now for this sickness it’s been miserable . I am not one to be down . Tonight though feeling a bit more like myself enjoying some London Fog at first I thought it may keep me up but I do not believe it will at the moment with the tea and music I’m feeling very relaxed . Will see.

Writing.. Random thoughts..

The brightness of the full moon casts a shadow like a halo around it the wind screams. As a child having a tantrum . But in the distance, I can still hear the rumble of the train and it’s whistle that cries out through the cold night like a wounded animal. The scene is eerie sending a chill through my body. But the night is still like an old friend to me. I embrace the darkness. As I walk the window blows my hair against my face tickling my cheeks. I keep walking letting the coldness numb my thoughts. At least hoping it will. These endless thoughts need some answers but there is none to be found so numbness will do. As I walk a stray empy can rolls by me I go to pick it up but the wind is quicker than I am. I hear it hit against something in the darkness. I cannot see what it is. I keep walking. Letting the light of the moon guide my way. To where I do not know I just keep walking letting my thoughts slowly get numb so I do not have to think. Relief from them for a bit is all I can ask for.

Time…

Time got away from me today. It’s unbelievable that it’s 8:30 at night and I’m sitting here in a blanket and enjoying a cup of London Fog already. Country softly playing. The day was spent in with my kiddos for a bit until they left to do their things. Once they left I was on the phone for two hours chatting away with one of my girlfriends one that was my childhood friend we lived a yard apart. We were 7 and 11 at the time. We loved that it was the name of the old 7 11 ’s I do not know if they even exist anymore. Oh, the things we would do to one another. And the adventures we had .Growing up in the country in a little town with one lonely gas station where she and I would walk and ride our bikes endlessly on a hot summer afternoon to buy our favorite treat Italian ice. Always cherry flavor for me she always went for different flavors every time we went. She was the friend that I learn to ride my bike with no hands and thought I was the coolest thing. Until I tried it going down a hill with her in front of me and not knowing she stopped riding and I not having enough time to stop collided into her. And there we laid on the ground with our bikes a bit beat up and her yelling at me that we were not friends anymore but after a few days, we were laughing about it with bruises on our legs and arms and our patents just shaking their heads. With my back screened-in porch and her kitchen window facing one another we could see each other perfectly, we would make monkey faces sticking our tongues out at one another until I felt a hand on my shoulder knowing I had been caught( hahaha) my dad telling me in a stern well he tried I saw the little smile that he tried hiding as he told me to stop and get away from the window. He was never good at disciplining . But very understanding and knew kids would be kids . Oh, the things we did.. as time went by and we became teenagers we discovered the art of sneaking out. Late at night, she had it easy she just had to walk out her front door. I had a 4”6inches to jump out of or be boosted up to get back into, I had a bulkhead under my bedroom window now being 4”11 it was not easy. I really do not know how we never got caught. No way was I able to walk out the door my mother could hear the old creaky door instantly. Well, my dad, I believe knew but never told my mom. I would have been grounded for life. Once out though the freedom was beautiful the night air so fresh and the quietness was so calming but eerie. And when the fog would set in and the smell of dew was in the air as the night went by was priceless. Sometimes it was just her and I or two others with us walking down those country roads laughing and talking and dropping to the ground when we saw car lights coming. All so innocent but I believe we felt like were rebels😂 oh the things she and I did are endless to write about. As we chatted on the phone I remembered all of those moments and chuckled to myself. Oh so happy to have those memories to look back on but bittersweet. Do we ever feel that sense of freedom now as adults? Or are we suppose to if so am I missing something here in this next chapter of my life. Is that why night time is my best part of my day these days. Is that why I am so attracted to the night? I wish I knew.

Goodnight..

It’s been a nice relaxing day in staying warm . Enjoying my daughters company as we went about the house getting things done that needed to be. We laughed and chatted and enjoyed many cups of coffee which is probably why I still up at 1 in the morning . Slowly fading will soon be heading to bed. Just taking in the silence it’s nice . I love night time . I just feel my best. Odd as it seems. As I sit here cozy in a blanket I can see the stars shining Bright in the crisp cold sky. Earlier I could hear the sound of the coyotes running by .. they were close to the house tonight. An eerie sound something you never get use too . All is quiet now as I will be … short post tonight as I call it a day. Have a good night everyone and for those just waking good morning.

Quiet night of reading ..

I am once again wrapped in my blanket cozy under the softness and warmth of it. Lights are low and no train sounds tonight but country music playing softly from the tv echoing peacefully through living room while I read . .. okay listen to an audiobook my friend has introduced me to . It’s nice especially when I do not want to focus on looking at the words I can close my eyes and just listen . Who knows maybe I’ll fall asleep . I haven’t had as much coffee in me as I usually do so it could happen. For now I will enjoy this simple pleasure. Anyone else listen to audiobooks?

Silence…

It’s a quiet Sunday night darkness is already upon us has been for hours now. I’m wrapped in a blanket cozy upon my couch with a warm cup of coffee in hand. The silence is deafening making the the thoughts in my head a bit noisier . Im trying to embrace this moment but there is too many should of’s going through my thoughts. I know pointless.. or are they? Can we find answers from should of’s or only regrets? I do not like regrets . But my mind does wander there as well . I’m always telling my kids never regret . But then here I am . Oh we can be our own worse enemy at times . Off and on I hear the sound of the heat click on or a distant sound of the train near by .I wonder how many times a train goes by without even knowing until it’s silent then I hear it every time. The sound of it whistle echoing through the cold dark night. It’s silly but I always find it comforting. For a minute it’s sound takes me away from my thoughts. Yes a Moment of peace. I close my eyes and I take a deep breath in then out . And I do it all over again . My thoughts are so close to the surface with every beat of my heart. It’s the thought that touch your heart that are a bit more complicated ..For another day I think I will visit those thoughts for now I will just sip on my coffee feel its warmth and listen for another train to roll on by.

Night..

I lay covered up in a cozy blanket upon the couch it’s 10 at night but my thoughts are not ready yet to settle for the night . So upon this couch with only the shadow of light from the TV as music plays quietly relaxing me . It’s country music tonight. As I close my eyes and let the music take me away I can hear in the distance the sound of a train whistle blowing and the rumbling of its engine. Rolling along the endless tracks to its destination . It’s a comforting sound in the darkness . I pull the blanket closer to my face the softness of the blanket rests against my cheek. Something about the night. It’s quietness and peacefulness relaxes me but then there’s those nights it makes me feel alive. And the world is not what it is . All societies woes disappear for a bit and life seems as simple as it once was. And I take in this moment and hold on tight this beautiful feeling as I know it’s as ever changing as the oceans tides.