A long Sunday…

Woke after having a full nights sleep once again so rare for me.. silly thing is I fell asleep so soundly as the music echoed loudly through the bedroom window and the fan blew in some of the bonfire scent from my sons fire with many of his friends showing up through out the evening one car after another. Their good kids so no worries for I but my other half was not liking it….🙄 they were doing nothing wrong so I told him to just go to bed .. well he did but I do not believe he slept well but oh I did .. I woke to my living room filled with his friends sleeping on our sectional , floor , chairs wherever they could get comfortable. Once out of the shower they were headed out to grab some breakfast in town at their favorite local diner . And I enjoyed some coffee out on the deck surprisingly the fire still smoking.oh how I will miss him and his friends…. but such as the wind changes direction so does life . And all we can do is figure out if we go in the direction of the winds change or against the wind and stay where we are? I want to believe we go where the wind takes us . Isn’t life about change , moving forward? I hope so. How can you or things stay the same if everything else is changing around us. I believe that would be like feeling dead inside. My opinion only. This blog isn’t named winds of change for nothing. On to the last week of the four of us all together. And it is going to be hard .. he brings life to this family . His contagious adventurous personality . Just lights everything up but I know he is looking forward to all of this and is ready so that makes me happy. And I’m curious to see where the wind takes us….

It’s 8:30 at night and it’s completely dark out . I’m happily enjoying the movie Bohemian Rhapsody as I write this. I love Queens music and the story , I know everyone may have different opinions on it but all I see is a man who fought many struggles of who he was or who he should be . And I cannot judge someone who is struggling .. this world is made up of people living their life’s in the way they choose and seem to work for them. We do not know the struggles of anyone all we can do is respect their choice to tell or their choice to stay silent . So with that said I’m going enjoy the rest of the movie .

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One day at a time, one thing at a time..

It’s been a very warm humid week . Air conditioners have been working over time. Went out only if I really needed to otherwise I just enjoyed the air conditioners and got a lot done with the help of music piercing down the hall from my sons bedroom. It wasn’t his music but mine. He has the best speakers to hook my phone to. 😂It was nice to listen to my music as loud as I wanted having the house to myself . I was able to drown out all my thoughts that have been occupying my mind…  and get a break from them. This summer has been another learning experience . They have been for the last couple of years. This one is been a bit more . This month I turn 50… wrapping my mind around this is ..has been really hard . I’ve just started to get use to having adult kids and trying to find myself after all these years .I know I have talked about this in recent posts about not being the person I was before kids and now after having them . Yes we do age ..change ..grow up time doesn’t stop but now I’m trying to find contentment in this next chapter. I find myself questioning what I do what I enjoy ,how I spend this time of no more family routine but just being is okay. I tell myself I have done my job raising my kids being the best mother, wife anyone can be. And doing this with a chronic illness . Which when I was raising my family I did not think about it sure I felt the effect of my  health issues but I was occupied I focused on my family. I exceeded more then Imagined . I wasn’t even suppose to be able to have kids especially two of them.  I should take this as a time to now enjoy my books, writing , socializing and I do not mean with other mother’s but my friends . Friends I grew up with. funny thing is I have lost most of those mother’s now we have all gone other ways. I have lost one that was very close to me and I thought even when our kids grew up I would enjoy this next chapter with her…

IMG_8931Life had other plans. I slowed down a bit more which ugh…age does that. and with a chronic illness makes it a bit more challenging. I guess I just couldn’t run with her like she run’s and I do not mean jogging I mean constantly going here there and every where . Did this realization hurt yes. I never wanted this illness to define me it never has until this summer and it hurts. I let her define me by showing me what I cannot do.  and her walking away from me I  am not her problem she has a right to live her life but I thought she respected me enough to know that I still had thought we where still friend… now I have faced yes I am a bit different in ways your health can effect you. My mind feels so young but my body feel so much older….and now add 50 into the mix . Do I know aging is a blessing yes do I know it’s just a number ? yes but this is still  going to be a hard one. Please I am not having a pity party Or want pity just letting my thoughts out Everyone is fighting their own battles and my heart breaks for them .as much as life is beautiful it can be hard…with us all sticking together I think it will make it a lot easier to get through. . ..Thankfully I have found , become great friends on here with someone that has helped me so much and she know’s who she is. I feel so blessed to have found her as I hope she feels the same way about me. She is such a blessing. I am so happy to add her to my short list of close friends . She has reminded me what matters  many times over… and for that I thank her and hope everyone who is fighting their own battles has a person like her in their life like I do. I promise, well will try to have more of an up beat post next time.💖

Monday!

Good Morning ! Unbelievable it’s Monday already . The last week of March and Easter , my hubby’s Birthday this weekend oh crazy of the timing this yr … but then again this is a bit of a crazy year … changes .. trying to go with the flow one step at a time . More like trudging through wet cement . Well that said 😦. How was everyone’s weekend ? I hope good . Sitting here looking out my window the sun is shinning the sky is a beautiful blue and the coffee taste good . Quiet at the moment soon my son will be up hustling and bustling around the kitchen getting his breakfast and showering to head off to school . I will just sit back give him a good morning and let him do his thing he is not a talkative morning person and he has his routine . Days of dragging him out of bed oh wait that was my daughter 🙂 he didn’t mind getting up and going to school he would do a mad dash to the kitchen for me to make him his breakfast that was something different every morning then dressing quickly and rushing me out to get him to school so he could play on the playground before school started. Where my daughter would eat the same breakfast get dressed slowly with a little push from me and wait till the bell was about to ring then just go into the school. … ahhh such opposites and still to this day. It alway felt like a tug of war being pulled into two different directions and now with them older and looking at them with their separate things going on and I still feeling that pull because I have something to say to both to help …suggest but can’t especially my adult daughter my son yes but will not listen hmm either of them will not listen. So yes hard to watch but at the moment it’s about the only thing to do I guess will see.. always a mom… 🙄 well my sons up so I guess I will go say good morning and then get back to whatever I need to do today.

A summer of change and challenge….

Oh where did the summers  go when the things we worried about was too much sun ,not enough water , over tired kids . how to get them inside for the night and a sad child because their popsicle melted faster then they could eat it. Replaced with worrying where your kids are  ,not home by curfew .. or their not where they said they would be , insecurities if not trusting  a friend , your teenager sad and playing sad depressing songs over and over after a breakup. Trying to find an answer to their why’s and it’s unfair .. then we get even more complicated with teenagers hosting parties and you find out your teenager is there because you get a 1 in  the morning phone call saying you need to pick me up because there not at a sleepover…. and the party just got busted and the police are asking you to come pick your child up and their car as well . And you want to be angry at them but at the same time you just want to get them home safe and the lecturing will have to wait till morning but you cant sleep because there is so much you need to say and if your lucky they will listen . Then if you have a soon to be 22 yr old daughter who  does not know what to do with her boyfriend she is unhappy with and is easy for you to say then end the relationship. But they have 10 reasons why thier unsure of , yes is your head spinning mine is . and then she is trying to save and work more which we know work and making the money to move out is a challenge in it’s self this day in age  and she has a good head on her shoulder and is frustrated because she is trying but it is taking more time then she thought. Yes the challenges just as the teenage parties  are .. yes some did some didn’t but this generation is parting even more and  more young adults are still living at home and how did your teenager get ahold of half the  alcohol   is beyond me .  My Son is a great kid has good friends  they all have jobs and athletics and  good grades but pressures  yes a lot of pressures  peer pressure which is at an all time high as well in this age. but do not get me started that is a subject for another day  but I believe it is part of the problem and they just can’t get it that this is not a good thing of what thier doing and let me just say my husband  and I’ are holding our breaths for school to start 3 more weeks and school will be here and it’s going to be the longest 3 weeks of our lives . So like my title to this post says the challenges …this has been an eye opening summer  wish I  could find a solution to all  if these challenges yes I know learning experience  but these days it’s just not a safe answer .  

Your life…

Good Morning ! Sitting here on my couch  coffee in hand and imensly enjoying it . I’m watching tv and it’s the Today show and they stated what happen to personal choice oh my yes!!! That’s it what happened … I find myself fighting this more and more everyday now that time is becoming my time. We have raised our daughter our youngest is about to be 17 a senior and I’ think my better  half and I have done well or as well as can be . So now I and my hubby can do and go wherever but you know what I honestly don’t want to …. fior myself give me a good book to read a notebook , computer to write , or the stars at night and my comfy deck to enjoy them ,my bed or couch with a warm cozy blanket  and a movie or favorite show on a cold winter night  and I’m happy why when I’ve done my house cleaning and watched my sons track meets and enjoyedmy daughters   chats with a cup of tea or coffee and my hubby and I talk all the time take rides watched tv together be enough? Especially after a long day at work   Why do I  feel guilty why do I feel like we should be doing more why do I feel I have to justify this why do I compare when I honestly know I am happy with this my hubby is as well but why ? A question I ‘m struggling with a lot this year. As society made us feel we have to constantly be doing , going somewhere. Comparing ourselves with others Or is it me ? Any answers anyone?  Would love some help on this.