Heavy heart…

Go to sleep with a heavy heart , wake up with a heavy heart. When does it stop? This world is going in a sad direction more everyday. This life is not easy to begin with but to add more hate is not good. So I will think of the lives that have been lost and injured and pray that things will change. We can at least hope or can we .. is that going to be taken away from us too.💔

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Randomness ….

It’s Tuesday night a little after 8 and its already getting dark. I know the last several posts I have stated this. I guess it’s just unbelievable to me.  A long lazy summers just seems not  to  be that way anymore …every summer they just go by a bit faster. Football is being talked about more . Back to school shopping is showing up everywhere from TV commercials to stores stocking up on school supplies. College dorm essentials . My son is doing pretty good with that… soon he will be away and my front door opening and closing will get a little break. Mom will get her car back on a regular basis and the bike will be stored away in the barn. All will be calm and quiet….. hmmm something I am looking forward to a bit….Okay maybe not (hahaha) Oh its a mother’s problem . I am sure he is ready for a change.  I just looked out and it’s 8:30 and its completely dark out. There is no fire fly’s lightening up the darkness. At least the humming of the air conditioner is gone for now ,windows are open soon Miss Abigail will figure this out and find her way to an open window. Ahh the  breeze gently blowing in from the windows is beautiful. surprisingly there is a bit  of a chill to it. Such extreme this weather is .The air smells fresh and clean for once. If it wasn’t 8:30 at night I honestly could enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee . I can just smell it’s aroma ….not good to think about or I will not be sleeping tonight…  Well I think It’s time to read a bit before I call it a night.Have a great night everyone And If you enjoyed my random thoughts tonight thank you!

One day at a time, one thing at a time..

It’s been a very warm humid week . Air conditioners have been working over time. Went out only if I really needed to otherwise I just enjoyed the air conditioners and got a lot done with the help of music piercing down the hall from my sons bedroom. It wasn’t his music but mine. He has the best speakers to hook my phone to. 😂It was nice to listen to my music as loud as I wanted having the house to myself . I was able to drown out all my thoughts that have been occupying my mind…  and get a break from them. This summer has been another learning experience . They have been for the last couple of years. This one is been a bit more . This month I turn 50… wrapping my mind around this is ..has been really hard . I’ve just started to get use to having adult kids and trying to find myself after all these years .I know I have talked about this in recent posts about not being the person I was before kids and now after having them . Yes we do age ..change ..grow up time doesn’t stop but now I’m trying to find contentment in this next chapter. I find myself questioning what I do what I enjoy ,how I spend this time of no more family routine but just being is okay. I tell myself I have done my job raising my kids being the best mother, wife anyone can be. And doing this with a chronic illness . Which when I was raising my family I did not think about it sure I felt the effect of my  health issues but I was occupied I focused on my family. I exceeded more then Imagined . I wasn’t even suppose to be able to have kids especially two of them.  I should take this as a time to now enjoy my books, writing , socializing and I do not mean with other mother’s but my friends . Friends I grew up with. funny thing is I have lost most of those mother’s now we have all gone other ways. I have lost one that was very close to me and I thought even when our kids grew up I would enjoy this next chapter with her…

IMG_8931Life had other plans. I slowed down a bit more which ugh…age does that. and with a chronic illness makes it a bit more challenging. I guess I just couldn’t run with her like she run’s and I do not mean jogging I mean constantly going here there and every where . Did this realization hurt yes. I never wanted this illness to define me it never has until this summer and it hurts. I let her define me by showing me what I cannot do.  and her walking away from me I  am not her problem she has a right to live her life but I thought she respected me enough to know that I still had thought we where still friend… now I have faced yes I am a bit different in ways your health can effect you. My mind feels so young but my body feel so much older….and now add 50 into the mix . Do I know aging is a blessing yes do I know it’s just a number ? yes but this is still  going to be a hard one. Please I am not having a pity party Or want pity just letting my thoughts out Everyone is fighting their own battles and my heart breaks for them .as much as life is beautiful it can be hard…with us all sticking together I think it will make it a lot easier to get through. . ..Thankfully I have found , become great friends on here with someone that has helped me so much and she know’s who she is. I feel so blessed to have found her as I hope she feels the same way about me. She is such a blessing. I am so happy to add her to my short list of close friends . She has reminded me what matters  many times over… and for that I thank her and hope everyone who is fighting their own battles has a person like her in their life like I do. I promise, well will try to have more of an up beat post next time.💖

Give me some time…

Hi everyone ! I have not posted on here in about 5 days which for me is a long time. My mind has been too preoccupied to write and not something I cannot really put into words … ( hahaha) it’s a matter of over thinking and being a mom who yes over thinks. 🙄 I will keep reading yours tho and commenting on your posts . I will be posting soon I Just need to learn the art of letting things go and learn worrying and overthinking does no good for anyone. Sadly being a mom we are all very good at that. Unless your one of the lucky ones who have masterc this art of letting go and letting things just be. I know eventually I will exhaust myself in doing so and then may be able to conquer this new chapter in my life. I will be posting soon . Please just be patient with me 🙂

Rainy summer day..

It’s been raining sense we all woke this morning. The house was so dark . The rain pouring down so hard it vibrated on the roof and the air conditioner . Dragging myself out of bed to the coffee pot showering the night before because I had heard there was storms coming in . I grabbed my cup of coffee setting out two more mugs for my kids when they woke. Ahh even when it’s humid out coffee still taste good. The air conditioners in the bedroom helped to keep it cool in the rest of the house since it’s raining , when the sun comes back out they won’t, luckily our air conditioner I ordered for our living room and kitchen area came in . My son is off picking it up and running some errands he had . When he gets home will put the air conditioner in.

The day has been a mixture of down pours and moments of sun peaking out a good recipe for thunderstorms later this evening. As you see Miss Abigail is looking happy….. NOT (hahaha) she doesn’t like rainy days. Did a few things around the house , took it slow. Watching one of my shows for a bit before I get dinner going. I’m thing spaghetti and meatballs sounds good. I guess I should get it started before I watch another episode of one of my childhood shows that just fills me with comfort and the beautiful days of the past . Okay that’s for another time and post . 🙂

Memorial Day ..not the Same…

Outside my door the winds have calmed the storms have passed ..for now. Settled in last night with my new book . After about 45 mins later I put my book down and shut the light off. It wasn’t that the book wasn’t good it was . I just wanted to lay there in the darkness and watch the flash of the lighting and hear the roll of the thunder . Love nighttime storms. As the storm came through flashing shadows on my wall I laid there taking it in thinking about the Memorial Day weekend approaching .. like everything things change. I know a part of life. Even if I wanted time to to stop it would not ..even for a moment . Even laying there watching the storm was different… my daughter at some friends house . My son tired from work in bed as well as my hubby just I watching it .No kids running into the bedroom or sitting in our living room watching counting between the lightening flashes. Just I … As this Memorial Day approaches this will not be the same as well. Yes they’ll be a cookout ,bonfire on one of the days but less around the fire. but our hearts with them . No friends sleeping over , no sleeping out in a tent and being waken by kids running in as fast as they can to sleep on the living room floor because they heard something in the woods. No movie nights with buckets of popcorn and wide eyed kids as they watched .No just my hubby and I watching a movie , or sitting and watching the stars , taking a ride . As our door swings open and close as my kids come and go from work. I will embrace this change and then the next one and the next one. But for now I will embrace this moment . with a smile on my face and also a tear in my eye.

Human touch…

After a day spent with my daughter in Town getting things she needed , I needed , so in and out of the car wandering stores . Passing by people , rushing to get out of peoples way🙄 we got back to the car and headed home . We talked about how busy it was in the store and how rushed we felt when really we were not rushing .. we were taking our time looking at items , grabbing things . BUT it was the people around us . With the looks , the rude your in my way tone in their voice when they said excuse me and we were not even in their way just near them. Or I’m sorry if I wasn’t fast pace walking with the carriage because I can’t . But keeping aware of people around to move out of their way when I needed to. Then I hear a sigh of frustration whoops one minute I didn’t realize a person behind me I moved out of the way even though the isle was big enough for the both of us . I said oh I’m sorry and the person just looked at me and walked by . Yes I do not know what kind of day this person may or maybe having . But it’s just becoming more and more like this. Right then I knew I was done. Once in the car I told my daughter . She said yes she had noticed and knows how people are .she works in retail and sees it everyday . Well this wasn’t the main topic of this post but it’s just all part of what things have become . Here is the part that I thought was appalling.

I’m home now and my hubby and I are watching the nightly news and one of the headlines was handshaking . I guess handshaking could become the thing of the past before we know it. I believe amount of people are now wanting to ban this gesture. It’s not sanitary .. okay I get this to a point but to have a ban on it .. human touch is something that makes this world seem bearable . A shake of a hand can show respect . Acknowledgment , or I’m sorry , it’s the emotion in the strength of it. Yes if you can’t shake then politely refrain from it but to ban this or even the thought to question banning this is so sad. Sometimes it’s saddens me what and how we have become . Well for the most part , not all.. I’m saying just in general. It’s a scary thought what new life being brought into this world will be brought up with . It’s a thought I find myself thinking about more often. And knowing I will not be that person .