The sky is a light pretty blue and the sun is shining at the moment . The birds are all around as the bubble bee that keeps buzzing around my head . I take in the strong brewed taste of the coffee just how my husband likes to make it. Sipping it as I reflect on the day before… on the conversation with my son in the late night hours , and wondering why I had felt the unease feeling . It lingered with me all through out the day .I passed it off as over thinking that I am so good at. Then my kids came home from work one after another. My daughter first happy a bit talkative as she was getting ready to settle down in her place with a friend and Miss Abigail . Then my son arrived home hours later, tired but talkative my husband staying up listening to him chat away until his eyes became to heavy to stay open and said his goodnights. Then there it was just my son and I and his tone got quieter and more serious and then I knew what that uneasiness that lingered around me all day was.
My son talked about college in the Fall , how he was excited but was thinking oh .. no I thought thinking he is as good at that as I . I just sat quietly listening knowing what was coming next. He stated he wanted to go but dorming was going to feel strange . He felt too old that all the child’s play of being a college student living in a dorm was going to feel off . He felt that he should of gone to college first then Army . Or just had gone to college and not dormed. I had this feeling as well . Since his arrival home from Basic he has become so matured ..done things that others not in the Army have experienced and it’s quieted him , humbled him. I see him as this man now not the loud child’s play 18 yr old he was before Basic. That is what he is worried about . He said he feels so much older laid back that he’s going to feel out of place. Oh I knew this all before he did this step but the one thing that hasn’t changed and I know never will is his impulsiveness . That is the trait that bites him every time. So I listened I talked to him about other alternatives …But it led back to what was more convenient , yes he will only be a little over 45minutes away but back and forth the gas and mileage on the vehicle would get too much . Days of snow another issue . We talked about trying to bunch his classes to so many days a week but the major is impossible to do that. It came down to going to this orientation in two weeks and see how it feels ..meet his roommate and go from there. I only hope he doesn’t make another impulsive u turn but if he does it’s his choice and I can only guide him and be there for him to talk. It was after mid night so we called it a night . I laid in bed and felt that uneasiness lift a bit. It still amazes me how I can be so in-tune to my kids feelings , thoughts. I have manage to grab another cup of coffee as I wrote this and my son came out on the deck and sat with his coffee and phone in hand and us not saying much but that was okay we were in our own mind set and taking in the morning surroundings, we said what we needed last night . 🙂
The weekend was beautiful despite the rain. This week though even with the sun finally showing itself I just feel this dread or something .. I cannot place this feeling it’s nothing to do with a lack of energy ..oh that I have a lot of .I do know I put myself back in that mom take care mode .. okay you are probably thinking what is so wrong with that ? Well a lot is wrong with that. I’m back in my mode and I promised myself when my son came home after Basic and being away for 6 months I would get on my own routine . And when my son got on that plane that first day . I was good had to be this is what he wanted ..my hubby and I hugged him and let him go and then hubby and I headed home with a coffee stop . And a phone call from him asking if we were home since he had a 2hour wait till his flight I knew he was missing us already being his first time away all to be expected. When we arrived home I cleaned up the house . Room by room not my sons he had cleaned his before he had left. So I just paused at his bedroom door . Then made myself move along. Supper came and my daughter at work then boyfriends … hubby and I ate just it just being the two of us . Well over the 6 months with a 10 day Holiday pass for Christmas he was home . It felt great but so strange I was in a whole new routine . And so him and I clashed a bit … sadly . I was told this was normal. Then the time came and he had to go back. By March I was ready to have him home. And this time it was better we were at an adult son and his mother relationship We talked on a new level . My time ..my routine was still there and he had his routine. Then here we are in May and I’m finding myself out of my routine .. well more then I want to be . I’m worrying if he’s ate what he’s doing . He has been very good about it when before he did not like it. All the mothering believe me I can get over bearing🙄Yes he has had his moments and has told me in a nice way to stop but then sadly apologizes when honestly I do not want him to. I know this summer is going to be a long one. Right now he is working two jobs and he is gone a lot . So I’m trying to get back into the routine of just my hubby and I . In the Fall along with National Guard drills and going away to college it will be my hubby and I and my daughter again when she is here. and I think it will be hard to let go of him this time. He will not be far away it’s for a matter of convenience for him to dorm with our bad winters . And now with all the things happening in this world and him In the Army National Guards has added this worry more then when he signed up . And I can’t say much about this but I do not know if I’m coming off a vibe he is giving out since I’m so good at both my kids vibes of something there worrying about or doing tends to bounce off of them on to me . Always been this way. So could this be it? I’m feeling his worry. Yes he knows what he as signed up for but being 18 there is concern I’m sure with him. He is such a thinker like me . And his humbleness is been a bit more apparent. Which makes me feel anxious…Even though I feel this way I would never change it for the world . Being a mother is just so hard sometimes because the love you feel and there is nothing you will not want to do for your kids . This Fb quiz actually says it. well except for the cowering in your presence well unless you hurt my kids🙂
I made a book list and ordered a book that is on its way that I’m very excited about and I’m looking forward to it . Which it’s been a bit since I was excited about a book since not been able to find a good one and I’m going to keep ordering hoping for more good book to occupy my mind at night , especially when I’m thinking or when he is out late both my kids with that. So my mind doesn’t wander. When I get my book I’ll post it . For now yes finishing the Road. Yes it’s dragging .. but according to my daughter she is shocked that I’m in the last two chapters of it, being that it’s not usually something I would read or even think of finishing. 🙂 well it’s getting late need to try to get some sleep so off I am to bed. Hoping to hear that train and its whistle in a distance I’m so comforted to while saying my nightly prayers falling asleep .