Good Morning ! Sitting here on my couch coffee in hand and imensly enjoying it . I’m watching tv and it’s the Today show and they stated what happen to personal choice oh my yes!!! That’s it what happened … I find myself fighting this more and more everyday now that time is becoming my time. We have raised our daughter our youngest is about to be 17 a senior and I’ think my better half and I have done well or as well as can be . So now I and my hubby can do and go wherever but you know what I honestly don’t want to …. fior myself give me a good book to read a notebook , computer to write , or the stars at night and my comfy deck to enjoy them ,my bed or couch with a warm cozy blanket and a movie or favorite show on a cold winter night and I’m happy why when I’ve done my house cleaning and watched my sons track meets and enjoyedmy daughters chats with a cup of tea or coffee and my hubby and I talk all the time take rides watched tv together be enough? Especially after a long day at work Why do I feel guilty why do I feel like we should be doing more why do I feel I have to justify this why do I compare when I honestly know I am happy with this my hubby is as well but why ? A question I ‘m struggling with a lot this year. As society made us feel we have to constantly be doing , going somewhere. Comparing ourselves with others Or is it me ? Any answers anyone? Would love some help on this.
I am happy to say I’m getting back into reading again so I started reading in bed before I go to sleep to relax my mind .Its been going good the last couple of days and so tonight I read again and my mind just wouldn’t shut off I’m reading but my mind is actually thinking of other things.. night is when I think so no wonder why I am not a good sleeper …I guess old habits die hard . So I will put the book down and I will just try sleeping wish me luck oh by the way the book is good it’s just not winning over my thoughts tonight and sadly things I shouldn’t be wasting a minute on.
I’m laying here in the darkness while my husband sleeps I could go into another room but I want to feel the warmth of my bed and hearing him sleep is comforting. .My thoughts are keeping me awake the tradegedy in London and just all the injustice in this world is heavy on the mind and ‘heart. Everyone is suffering from something whether is attacks drug addiction it’s just so unfair .life as become more scary every time my kids walk out the door I pray they will be safe. Yes I guess that is normal but it’s just the worries have gotten so much bigger and how do we stop it ? It’s definitely not going to change any time soon. I just wish for peace and love and a simple safe happy life. Is that possible? Oh my mind is so unsettled tonight even the sound of a distant train is giving me a chill down my spine , when other night’s it would be soothing…comforting. I pray tonight for health and safety and happiness as I try to sleep..
So I believe the last time I was on was Monday…hmm let’s see that Is basically two days ago why does it seem so much longer then that…I guess my mind has been occupied , errands appointments and life what does that mean well let’s see keeping things moving along even though you feel like your the only one doing that and everyone else around you is just going to expect that you do but they do their own thing and you just want to throw your hands up and say okay I’m on strike …and let them just deal with supper ..wash not worry if your kids school is falling apart because they don’t it will be fine I quote ..but sadlyyou do .let supper and wash be their thing because hmmm would it get done for you ? Yeah I’m tired of living like everything is the same as when we started this family and it’s not the kids have grown my daughter an adult my son about 17 and everyone including myhubby has grown so why am I feeling like ‘ m in the same spot and go by the same routine because is that what mothers still do when your kids grow up and do this or is it me ? I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I’m afraid to embrace the change even though I feel I’m ready …does that make since? Hmm still have some thinking to do.
In my post last night I had mentioned I had a conversation with my son. and I had said it didn’t go as well as planned well I have decided my son is a teenager and definitely does not or is in defiance, does not have a clue about life okay yes he is 16 maybe very social has a lot of drive… focus but maturity not. Okay yes we have all been 16 and we lived in our own worlds and we thought life was so great and fun and we thought we knew everything and our parents we looked at them like they where aliens ….well that was the look I did towards my son. Nothing I said clicked nothing I said was right ,he contradicted himself through out the conversation. I was dumbfounded and knew our talk was going in circles and I didn’t know who was chasing who. I stopped talking just let it go and he went in his room . I pondered the thought over and over in my head the one thing he said that kept slapping me in the face was I qoute “You ask so much of me” “your always telling me to get a better job” it’s always about money I need to concentrate on school and sports ,okay one his father and I only ask for respect when he walks into the house and good grades . and yes we want him to do good with his sports and get into a good college so he can run for them and he is so good at it but its hard to take him after he gets so tired he is exhausting after because he is ugly that I cannot take.who doesn’t want that and we only say things about his job because he his always complaining about money and his father and I feel he wants to hang out with his friends every night and eat out in which case he contradicted himself when he said we do not do that as much now and I only need enough money for gas. yeah okay that’s why when this weeks Spring vacation is here he will be going out and why should we have to pay for that when we pay for everything else and he is able to work. hmm is he thinking of other parents…what is it with these kids and their drama they do not have a clue about life I know my son does not. where did we go wrong or his this just the teenage hormones and friends talking ? so I think as much as I do not want to it’s time to back of and let him eat his words and fail a bit. This is going to be very painful to watch.
Life.. teenagers ..changes it’s enough to make a parent crazy. I know all have been through it and survive but my day we worked for what we wanted we asked for nothing and we got it we where grateful .this generation just seems so arrogant and my Son tries to make it be that it is me …oh no it is not and I am going to show him. wow that was a rant..hahaha okay guess I needed to get that out . Sorry Everyone. Just been a crazy ride on this new journey of being a teenager .Yes have an adult daughter but never went through any of this with her but they are 5yrs apart and so different from one another. Does anyone have any advice to give ? would love some.
This Spring season is so different then last year usually the beginning of Spring makes me feel refresh excited to set my decks up with all the outside furniture. ..This year It’s just so unbelievably different I am doing the what I miss thing believe me I do feel very blessed and I am so blessed.. but change is not an easy thing for me and this Spring is what I call a Spring of change . Let’s see I miss my faithful Pups who loved when this season came we got outside on the deck and embraced together the suns warmth and he has now passed over the winter, I write with a tear in my eye. I miss my Son not having his drivers license he is always out and about which he got this winter. So I am always doing the where are you text’s and worries. I miss outings with my daughter now its very rare if we go out and spend time together, since she found new friends this winter .. ughhh so much change this winter that now has made this Spring a very big change to adjust to. I know I have occupied myself around my family for so long which felt like the thing to do when we had started a family and no one told me that this time would come this quick and I now feel I have lost myself I need to find myself again does anyone have any ideas for me ? How to do this? To make anew . To take the bad the difference and make it good. Would love some advice.
This morning my husband had country music playing in the house and we all know how some country songs are good at singing about loosing your girl or man and how I thought she would be the one etc..etc.. so you get the idea , well my Teenage son as been taken over by the teenage monster that’s the only way I can describe it…so many mood swings that serious look on his face like he is constantly thinking and most likely is about her ughhh…. the girl that has got such a hold on his heart for 3 yrs now and let me just say a roller coaster ride this has been and not a fun one she is so hot and cold okay let me explain better. Do not get me wrong she is not a bad person she has values goals very smart can be nice is very independent but very insecure so she is so afraid to trust. she tells my son all the time why me you could have anyone, okay my son knows a lot of girls and he probably could date any one of them but he does not want them he wants her and I think after 3 years of being with her off and on due to her saying they need a break I think he has proved who he wants but she keeps shutting down and ignoring him at school for weeks on end then out of the blue she decides she wants to be with him again and my poor son follows…so sad… now its been two weeks after a good amount of time that they where doing really well I thought oh finally .No… so as this morning as the country music is playing and I see him staring out the window and I know he listening to the words a deja vu moment for me I remember being that age and thinking and dreaming of that lost love and oh my gosh I know how he is feeling he reminds me of myself at this age and he is so social and funny like I was and when I got hurt that hurt was felt very deep into the very soul of my being . what can you say ? nothing really .
Its a strange thing when you feel to the very core of your body of how their feeling and its happens to be your child and that whole If I knew then what I know now talk would not help because for them this is now and their world at the moment and you know they just have to push through this and all you can as a parent is be there for them. I would not want to be a teenager again oh no and in this day in age I cannot imagine. I know it’s a lot more harder and complicated . I do know what I would like to say to the girls mom who loves my son and that would be tell your daughter just let him go for good this whole keeping him on a string his hurting him and not fair to him and she has to be the one to cut that string because that string is the only thing that gives him hope ….so cruel. it’s a amazing to have a teenager and actually see almost a spitten image of your self going through this and now knowing and wondering how your parents felt. I will tell you it’s hard and heartbreaking to watch and being your very first real love is a hurt that goes very deep. We all remember our first love and if you say you dont then your in denial or with them now. I know I remember mine and let me just say i’m thankful he was my first love but not my forever lasting love.