I’m laying here in the darkness while my husband sleeps I could go into another room but I want to feel the warmth of my bed and hearing him sleep is comforting. .My thoughts are keeping me awake the t radgedy in London and just all the injustice in this world is heavy on the mind and ‘heart.  Everyone is suffering from something  whether is attacks drug addiction it’s just so unfair .life as become more sscary ,every time my kids walk out the door I pray they,will  be safe.Yes I guess that is normal but it’s just the worries have gotten so much  bigger and how do we stop it ? It’s definitely not going tyo change any time  soon. I just wish for peace and love and a simple safe happy lufe. Is that possible?  Oh my mind is so unsettled tonight even the sound of a distant train is giving me a chill down my spine , when other night’s it would be soothing…comfortting. I pray tonight for health and safety and happiness   as I try to sleep..







So I believe  the last time I was on was Monday…hmm let’s  see that Is basically two days ago why does it seem so much longer then that…I guess my mind has been occupied , errands appointments and life what does that mean well let’s see keeping things moving along even though you feel like your the only one doing that and everyone else around you is just going to expect that you do  but they  do their own thing and you just want to throw your hands up and say okay I’m on strike …and let  them just deal with supper ..wash not worry if your kids school is falling apart because they don’t it will be fine I quote ..but sadlyyou do .let supper and wash be their thing because hmmm would it get done for you ? Yeah I’m tired of living  like everything  is the same as when we started this family  and it’s not the kids have grown my daughter an adult my son about 17 and everyone including myhubby has grown so why am I feeling like ‘ m in the same spot and go by the same routine  because  is that what mothers still do  when your kids grow up and do this   or is it me ? I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I’m afraid to embrace the change even though I feel I’m ready …does that make since? Hmm still have some thinking to do.

Right or wrong?

In my post last night I had mentioned I had a conversation with my son. and I had said it didn’t go as well as planned well I have decided my son is a teenager and definitely does not  or is in defiance, does not have a clue about life okay yes he is 16 maybe very social has a lot of drive… focus but maturity not. Okay yes we have all been 16 and we lived in our own worlds  and we thought life was so great and fun and we thought we knew everything and our parents we looked at them like they where aliens ….well that was the  look I did  towards my son. Nothing I said clicked nothing I said was right ,he contradicted himself through out the conversation. I was  dumbfounded and knew our talk was going in circles and I didn’t know who was chasing who. I stopped talking just let it go and he went in his room . I pondered the thought over and over in my head the one thing he said that kept slapping me in the face was I qoute  “You ask so much of me” “your always telling me to get a better job”  it’s always about money I need to concentrate on school  and sports ,okay one his father and I only ask for respect when he walks into the house and good grades . and yes we want him to do good with his sports and get into a good college so he can run for them and he is so good at it but its hard to take him after he gets so tired he  is exhausting after because he is ugly that I cannot take.who doesn’t want that and we only say things about his job because he his always complaining about money and his father and I feel he wants to hang out with his friends every night and eat out  in which case he contradicted himself when he said we do not do that as much now and I only need enough money for gas. yeah okay that’s why when this weeks Spring vacation is here he will be going out and why should we have to pay for that when we pay for everything else and he is able to work. hmm is he thinking of other parents…what is it with these kids and their drama they do not have a clue about life I know my son does not. where did we go wrong or his this just the teenage hormones and friends talking ? so I think as much as I do not want to it’s time to  back of  and let him eat his words and fail a bit. This is going to be very painful to watch.

Life.. teenagers ..changes it’s enough to make a parent crazy. I know all have been through it and survive but my day we worked for what we wanted we asked for nothing and we got it we where grateful .this generation just seems so arrogant and my Son tries to make it be that it  is me …oh no it is not and I am going to show him. wow that was a rant..hahaha okay guess I needed to get that out . Sorry Everyone. Just been a crazy ride on this new journey of being a teenager .Yes have an adult daughter but never went through any of this with her but they are 5yrs apart and so different from one another. Does anyone have any advice to give ? would love some.

Changes …why…

This Spring season is so different then last year usually the beginning of Spring makes me feel refresh excited to set my decks up with all the outside furniture. ..This year It’s just so unbelievably different I am doing the what I miss thing believe me I do feel very blessed and I am so blessed.. but change is not an easy thing for me and this Spring is what I call a Spring of change . Let’s see I miss my faithful Pups who loved when this season came we got outside on the deck and embraced  together the suns warmth  and he has now passed over the winter, I write with  a tear in my eye. I miss my Son not having his drivers license he is always out and about which he got this winter. So I am always doing the where are you text’s and worries.  I miss outings with my daughter now its very rare if we go out and spend time together, since she found new friends this winter .. ughhh so much change this winter that now has made  this Spring a very big change to adjust to.  I know I have occupied myself around my family for so long  which felt like the thing to  do when we had started a family and no one told me that this time would come this quick and I now feel I have lost myself I need to find myself again  does anyone have any ideas for me ? How to do this? To make anew .  To take the bad the difference and make it good. Would love some advice.

Teenage years….

This morning my husband had country music playing in the house and we all know how some country songs are good at singing  about loosing your girl or man and how I thought she would be the one etc..etc.. so you get the idea , well my Teenage son as been taken over by the teenage monster that’s the only way I can describe it…so many mood swings that serious look on his face like he is constantly thinking and most likely is about her ughhh…. the girl that has got such a hold on his heart for 3 yrs now and let me just say a roller coaster ride this has been and not a fun one she is so hot and cold okay let me explain better. Do not get me wrong she is not a bad person she has values goals very smart can be nice  is very independent  but very insecure so she is so afraid to trust. she tells my son all the time why me you could have anyone, okay my son knows a lot of girls and he probably could date any one of them but he does not want them he wants her and I think after 3 years of being with her off and on due to her saying they need a break I think he has proved who he wants but she keeps shutting down and ignoring him at school for weeks on end then out of the blue she decides she wants to be with him again and my poor son follows…so sad… now its been two weeks after a good amount of time that they where doing really well I thought oh finally .No… so as this morning as the country music is playing  and I see him staring out the window and I know he listening to the words a deja vu moment for me I remember being that age and thinking and dreaming of that lost love and oh my gosh I know how he is feeling he reminds me of myself at this age and he is so social and funny like I was and when I got hurt  that hurt was felt very deep into the very soul of my  being .  what can you say ? nothing really .

Its a strange thing when you feel to the very core of your body  of how their feeling and its happens to be your child and that whole If I knew then what I know now talk would not help because for them this is now and their world at the moment and you know they just have to push through this and all you can as a parent is be there for them. I would not want to be a teenager again oh no and in this day in age I cannot imagine. I know it’s a lot more harder and complicated . I do know what I would like to say to the girls mom who loves my son and that would be tell your daughter just let him go for good this whole keeping him on a string his hurting him and not fair to him and she has to be the one to cut that string because that string is the only thing that gives him hope ….so cruel. it’s a amazing to have a teenager and actually see almost a spitten  image of your self going through this and now knowing and wondering how your parents felt. I will tell you it’s hard and heartbreaking to watch  and being your very first real love is a hurt that goes very deep. We all remember our first love and if you say you dont then your in denial or with them now. I know I remember mine and let me just say i’m thankful he was my first love but not my forever lasting love.

Sigh …day 2

So it’s the day after I wrote my post of a not so good day with my new/used car purchase . So like I wrote in my post on Wed The car was told to come back because things had not been serviced on it and probably should of never left their lot.

It’s Thursday and at 9:30 in the morning after a very long restless night and wake up call from a roaring wind that sounded as angry as I felt at that moment. So I grabbed some coffee and started  getting somethings done that consist of using electricity because I worried we could loose it . the phone rang and it was the car dealer , the service guy sounded up beat well of course he did .. and told me that my car was all set and yes it had some issues that  where fixed  now minor as of yesterday(read Tues post) Today not…. and everything he stated now proves to me if I had known at least one of those issues I would of walked out the door. okay of course they do not tell you but rules where broken and lies where said and they wanted this car gone and I am now even more  mad because my son drove that car in the past two days while his  car was getting some things done and I felt his car wasn’t safe …oh my… my new car was the one that really wasn’t safe. so they where not happy that I was not happy about the work they did and I told them I’m sorry but how can I possibly be happy. so with this  this wind I told them I was not driving in it  with their  car they loan to me and and I feel uncomfortable driving it, he understood hesitantly  and  told me  tomorrow would be fine. I am hoping when I do get  there do  I  can get a moment to speak to their manager and ask him or her if she knew about this and that  I hope this is not how they do all their business  because if my son , daughter myself  who drove that car with the unsafe issues  had had an accident they would not be happy for what they would be in for. I just hope some other family isn’t driving one of their  unserviced  vehicles..

Sigh….what day

Well what a day I had…. lets put it this way when your daughters cat is happily sitting by the window watching the leaves scatter around by the wind and you envy her for such a simple life …I am either crazy or heading that way…. sigh… So last week I bought a new/used car and for some reason I just didn’t feel right about it but the price was right with our budget and lucky they even financed it because I’m /we already have a truck loan and mortgage etc ….plus my son needed a car so I gave him my very old one ..which sadly is on it’s last leg . One the color I dislike it it’s white and I have a long dirt driveway.Then it started  to sound funny a loud humming noise from the I said it’s me just stop well this morning the car dealer calls and tells me that I need to bring the car back because well they just do not know how it happened but it didn’t fully get serviced like there suppose to and they told me it did the day I bought it and that there was some minor issues on it to be fixed and they never got to it does not make sense to me. and  hmm minor yeah how about the loud noise ? He was like oh I don’t know about that.I lost it the short 4’11 nice women I was and look like that day of the sale turned into a let’s say when a mother bear thinks her cubs are in danger and she needs to defends them you do not want to stick around hahahaha so I said well I know. It sounds like my car is a jet coming into a landing when your doing 60 on the highway and then at 30 mph a jet taking off . So my car was never suppose to have left the lot or actually probably not to  be sold yet and I am  locked into a 4 yr loan which actually trying to research my rights if any which I hope I do. …and at the moment a rent a car at their expense is sitting in my driveway and sadly like that a whole lot better .So it has not been a good day I should of went with my instinct I want to kick myself for not doing so  . this is not me to go against it but I was trying to throw caution to the wind because I am known to over think but my instinct that I should of never ignored. their  going to go through it but will see I am going to demand another car . or some kind of proof that they went through it in which case they had said they did  before.will see that I will have to get back to you on.

Why I ask why..and no I am not feeling sorry for myself just upset. why does these things happen to me I try to be a nice person I do not ask for much just only what I need . I put my guard down for one second  and this happens I told the guy you saw sucker written across my for head . .he kept apologizing and and saying he couldn’t believe this happened ..but I do some people just do not care… well let me just say I think they where shocked of the person they saw today. One think I am not is weak or a sucker I am a nice person trying my hardest to be the person my kid s can look up to.  and I try to believe that not everyone is dishonest but this thought is fading fast.So Happy National Women’s Day to  me ….not okay maybe that was uncalled for  but it was just a very frustrating day and I am a women and I just feel sense I didn’t have my husband holding my hand buying this I was taken advantage of just a bad day for this to fall on. Well that felt good to let out  hahaha.